How My Brain Works After Schizoaffective Disorder
At 17, I was a problem solver. I was an academic thinker who thrived on logic puzzles and complex literature. Creativity was a second language – drawing, acting, photography, and stream-of-consciousness free writes wrapped up in metaphors. Whether or not I was any good at them didn’t matter; the ideas and motivation just flowed naturally. Outside of undiagnosed depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), my brain was efficient and extremely sharp. Each of my mental illnesses has had its impact on my mental functioning, but with the onset of schizoaffective disorder, things took a sharp turn. Though my passions and other areas of interest remain the same, my brain works differently now.
Though I do believe there is an emotional component, schizophrenia spectrum disorders are undeniably brain diseases. There are typically irreversible physical changes to the brain. And the way it functions can change drastically after the onset of psychosis. For me, this change felt like running headlong into a brick wall. It took well over a year for me to come to terms with the fact that my brain did not work the same way it did before. I had to relearn how to learn and express my creativity and how to function in social situations. The way brain works now is incredibly frustrating, but I’ve got to be realistic and work with what I have.
The basics: processing thoughts and information.
There are many ways in which the brain is formed and wired differently when it comes to schizophrenia. It impacts multiple areas of functioning. One of the most prominent of these for myself being executive functioning. Things like planning, focusing, assessing the amount of time something will take, memorizing things, and executing plans become far more difficult because of how my brain works now.
Sometimes it feels like my thoughts run on wires. Prior to the onset of my illness, things ran quickly and fairly smoothly. I could leap from step to step with ease. Now, my thoughts may run painfully slowly or at an uncontrollable rate. Rather than springing agilely from step to step, they may jump to another thought or miss the landing entirely and come to an abrupt end. At other times two thoughts may collide or hijack one another. And then sometimes one gets stuck and plays over and over no matter how much I would like to let it go. Though the thoughts are my own, I feel like what happens to them after they are formed is sometimes out of my control.
Here’s what you see.
What this results in is my occasional inability to answer questions completely at the drop of a hat. And my misbehaving thoughts make getting started on projects at work or at home difficult. It also means I can become extremely insecure about my work, academic, or even conversational performance because I don’t always know what my thoughts are going to do. I often catch myself asking questions that may have already been answered, repeating myself, and procrastinating as I struggle to prioritize.
The next level: creative expression.
Creativity doesn’t flow the same way it used to. Sometimes ideas come easily, but much of the time it’s like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. It’s not that the ideas are scarce, rather, they’re mixed up. I get bits and pieces of torn up ideas – not necessarily vague, though. They can be crystal clear, but just a fraction of the full idea.
When it comes to writing, sometimes I will be aware of an idea, but can’t actually access it. It prevents me from puting a project into motion or even creating a skeletal outline. At other times, I will have an idea, but partway through an article, the thought morphs into something different and I find myself writing an entirely different article than I began. And there are countless instances where a fire is lit in my soul and I am off on hot streak, only to need to hit pause. But when I return to the project, that fire refuses to be lit again. My computer has become a graveyard for half-written articles I have been unable to revive. The days where things flow easily and I can craft the perfect video, blog post, or capture the right mood in a photograph are triumphant.
My greatest challenge: social situations.
Even before a conversation begins, my mind is scrambling. It’s anxious, but warranted. I struggle to understand the thought processes of others sometimes. Jokes won’t always land with me. Sometimes the tone of someones words or the emotions on their faces reads ambiguously to me and I default to the negative. Because of this, I often assume that people are upset with me or hate me when they don’t.
In addition to all of this, my reactions to things may be excessive or underwhelming. I’m running in circles in my mind trying to figure out what reaction others are looking for, and I can’t always follow another’s train of thought. My mind may also jump the tracks and take off in another direction. I don’t mean for it to look like I don’t care or that I’m not empathetic. But between the social issues schizophrenia brings and the intense social anxiety that often accompanies and complicates it, I often feel like I’m drowning in a sea of words, emotions, confusion, and anxiety.
How do you accommodate a malfunctioning mind?
This may be how my brain works now, but there are some things I can do to accommodate my needs. When it comes to processing and learning, I may need others to slow down. Write me notes if I need to remember something. Be patient when I ask you to repeat something you just said. Visuals are helpful. I find to do lists, charts, and organizing apps that have a very visual component to be useful. If I can put my thoughts down on paper I can often better understand them. Give me time, give me as few distractions as possible, and always be patient.
Like my thoughts, my creativity is not dead, just harder to manage, and the lack of ease gets to me at times. In social situations I may need help understanding what someone is thinking or the meaning behind their words and actions. I find that I do best when people are straightforward with me. However, a gentle touch can be helpful for my anxiety. I don’t want to be treated like a child, but it’s important to remember that my mind does not work the same way another adult’s might.
The way my brain works now is frustrating to say the least, but sometimes the best thing I can do is walk away for a while. As much as I try to resist it, I can’t deny that my brain doesn’t always operate on my timeline or my demand anymore. I try my best, but sometimes there’s only so much that I can do.
Want to hear me tell my story and answer questions? Check out the episode of “Schizophrenia: 3 Moms in the Trenches” featuring me. Click here to listen or watch the video here.
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