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What Do My Hallucinations From Schizoaffective Disorder Feel Like?
After 13 years of living with schizoaffective disorder, hallucinations are a somewhat normal part of my life. They are neither constant nor always terrifying, but they do occur even with my treatment regimen. Everyone’s experiences are different, but here’s a look into what my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations are like. Do you know when you’re hallucinating? This is called insight, but it’s not universal to all with psychosis, and it also may come and go. For me, sometimes it’s easy to brush a hallucination off as just a symptom. But at other times there’s a tidal wave-like rush of emotions and my fight or flight instinct has me ready…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
- Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Do you get used to having a mental illness?
“I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.” – Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves Do you ever get used to having a mental illness? For some, mental illness can be treated and resolved. For others, it comes and goes. And for the rest of us, it’s life long and it’s just a matter of does it get worse, better, or remain the same. The course is determined by numerous factors like genes, trauma, and whether or not treatment works. The outcome is as unique and individual as we…
- A Day in the Life, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A Day in My Life with Schizoaffective disorder – Moving Day
It’s moving day – well, day 2. We spent the night in our new apartment. It’s still skeletal when it comes to furnishings. Bags and boxes litter the rooms, stacked on the furniture and the floor. Despite all of that, I already feel at home. I lean towards the mirror as I put on my makeup. It might seem strange to some that I would wear makeup when I’ll be spending my day lifting and carting around boxes, but, for me, makeup is a form of self-care. I don’t think I look awful without it, but I feel more secure when I’ve spent time taking care of myself. It’s not…
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A Day in My Life With Schizoaffective Disorder – When Symptoms Flare
Mental illnesses affect everyone differently. When I experience symptoms, to outsiders it may look like nothing is wrong. Here’s a glimpse behind the curtain of what a recent flare up was like for me. I pushed my post-traumatic stress disorder yesterday. I went to a place that I usually avoid. I’m proud of myself for that, but I’m paying a price. I had flashbacks that evening, and symptoms of psychosis crept in, the tide rising on me today. I take my time getting ready this morning. In general, when I’m stressed or anxious, I feel better if I’ve put effort into my appearance; it’s a form of self-care for me.…
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Suppressed Feelings and Psychosis
My doctor once told me that I experience my feelings visually. By this, she meant the visual hallucinations I was experiencing at the time were manifestations of the feelings that I was either suppressing or struggling to resolve. But it’s not just visual hallucinations. For several weeks I’ve been experiencing recurring auditory hallucinations. During therapy my doctor again pointed out that these hallucinations are my feelings come to life. It’s not always obvious what they mean though. And there are some for which I have no explanation. Or maybe there’s an explanation and I just have yet to find it. There are others with psychosis who use the meanings behind…
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The Trauma of Experiencing Mental Illness
Trauma is often a trigger for mental illness, but experiences had due to mental illness can also be traumatic themselves. I’ve had near death or serious injury experiences. I’ve been threatened, manipulated, and emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. I’m a rape survivor with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While my PTSD is triggered by things that remind me of my traumas, I’ve also discovered that I have a similar response to fears about experiencing symptoms and actions related to my schizoaffective disorder. For much of my life, I have battled depression At certain points in time, beginning at a very early age, I would think about suicide. Sometimes it was just…
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Life as a high functioning person with schizoaffective disorder
There are a few different ways to define what high functioning means for someone with schizophrenia – the ability to work full-time or function as a stay-at-home caregiver or as a full-time student, good interpersonal skills and relationships, and just generally being able to function in society the majority of the time. Throughout the course of my life with schizoaffective disorder, I have always been considered high functioning. But high functioning doesn’t mean my life is normal or even symptom-free. There still may be symptoms Residual symptoms are common in people with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder even with medication and can occur frequently. For me, this occurs as disorganized thoughts…
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Visual Hallucinations – A Closer Look
The picture above depicts a fluffy grey cat crouching on the branch of a tree, horizontal to the camera. Kind of Cheshire-cat-like. The cat’s tail hangs off the branch. She’s a little hazy, but she’s not a ghost; she’s very much there. Her eyes are pale, but confident and reassuring. You don’t see her do you? I don’t see her there anymore either, though I can see exactly where she was and I can picture her in my head. I took this photo during my worst episode to date. It was my senior year of college, and my mind pulled out all the stops. I had symptoms that I had…