The Trauma of Experiencing Mental Illness

Trauma is often a trigger for mental illness, but experiences had due to mental illness can also be traumatic themselves. I’ve had near death or serious injury experiences. I’ve been threatened, manipulated, and emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. I’m a rape survivor with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While my PTSD is triggered by things that remind me of my traumas, I’ve also discovered that I have a similar response to fears about experiencing symptoms and actions related to my schizoaffective disorder.

For much of my life, I have battled depression

At certain points in time, beginning at a very early age, I would think about suicide. Sometimes it was just ideation, but there were times where I would carefully consider my options. On other occasions, I would be caught off guard by an urge. Then in college I had my most severe episode of schizoaffective disorder and was also taking a medication I should not have been prescribed. One night, a psychotic depression was triggered and I came within seconds of going through with it.

Ever since that moment, the slightest hint of depression triggers reminders of all of those moments, especially that night when I was in college. I look at my wrists with rising panic, fearing that I may become that out of control again. Even the idea of self-harm creates anxiety and fear. Despite the suicidal ideation and intent that I’ve experienced in the past, I don’t want to die. Knowing that it’s possible for me to reach a point where I may do that despite my desire to live is absolutely terrifying.

Then there are the hallucinations and delusions

I’ve been followed by shadowy figures that I believed to be studying my every move and creating situations where I might put myself at risk. They’ve peered into my windows and around doors. I’ve felt things crawling under my skin. I’ve heard footsteps in the hallway and behind me when there’s nothing there. I’ve seen and heard people walking around my workplace when I’m alone. In my own bedroom, a man in an overcoat glared at me with judgement and disdain. Is it any wonder that I fear the return of these symptoms?

When I experience depression, I know what might come next. A quiet panic begins to build and sometimes I even cry. There are times where psychosis is more annoying than anything else, but often it is terrifying. I am fully aware of what my mind is capable of and one of my greatest fears is not realizing it when reality gets away from me.

Because of these fears, I don’t like to be alone overnight

If I am with someone, I can reality check and I’m significantly less likely to self-harm. Over the years, I’ve gone out of my way to prevent spending a night alone when I feel most afraid. I’ve slept on friends’ couches, gone to bed early, worked late, and spent my evenings having dinner with a friend. I’ve even taken a 30 minute train ride to watch movies with a friend.

When I’ve been unable to do one of the above and also when I lived alone entirely, I devised a few ways to handle it. I keep the TV on or music playing at all times, even overnight sometimes. On some occasions I’ve left the lights on overnight as well. I will do anything to drown out sounds and minimize shadows. I know that my hallucinations likely won’t be triggered simply by my fear. But just the potential to be triggered is enough for me to want to prepare.

I’m also lucky enough to have had a dog beside me during many traumatic moments after college. After undergoing training, he is now my service dog. Among other tasks, he can interrupt a certain kind of self-harm and check a room to confirm whether or not someone is there. Unfortunately, this is not an option for many. But at this point, he has become such a lifeline for me that I fear living without him.

My experiences are not the only mental health experiences that can be traumatic

Others with different disorders may go through things that affect them similarly. How we all deal with it may be different though. For me avoiding being alone, attempting to drown out any possible hallucinations, and utilizing the tasks of my service dog help me. However, they do not entirely negate the fears. Sometimes all I can do is try to remind myself that I am safe.

If you have been through traumatic experiences with mental illness, know that you are not alone. Nor are you weak for experiencing that fear. For those with loved ones who have experienced symptoms or situations that cause them fear, be sensitive to their needs and try to find out what would help them the most during times of anxiety and fear surrounding their experiences with mental illness. And for those of you who do not have a loved one with a mental illness, understand that this kind of trauma is as real as the traumas that led to me developing PTSD. Traumas caused by mental illness are no less real than any other trauma.

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