Visual Hallucinations – A Closer Look
The picture above depicts a fluffy grey cat crouching on the branch of a tree, horizontal to the camera. Kind of Cheshire-cat-like. The cat’s tail hangs off the branch. She’s a little hazy, but she’s not a ghost; she’s very much there. Her eyes are pale, but confident and reassuring.
You don’t see her do you?
I don’t see her there anymore either, though I can see exactly where she was and I can picture her in my head. I took this photo during my worst episode to date. It was my senior year of college, and my mind pulled out all the stops. I had symptoms that I had never had before and for quite a while I was having auditory and visual hallucinations daily.
Bringing experiences to light in the classroom
I was taking a photography class and had decided to do my final project on my hallucinations. The class was on analog photography, but I had started to carry a point and shoot with me to photograph a visual hallucination in action. I knew I wouldn’t see the hallucination in the photo after I took it, but I can still picture her exactly where she was.
That year, I also took a class on hallucinations and realized how much people didn’t know. Like the fact that, for some people with psychosis, visual hallucinations can be hazy. Others in the class asked why people believe hallucinations if they’re hazy or why they affect us if we’re aware that they’re symptoms.
What’s real about hallucinations is the emotional response
Even if part of your brain is telling you it’s not real, the other part is screaming that it is and that you need to respond accordingly. I feel a surge of emotions even when I know it isn’t real and can resist the instinct to take action. This holds true for me whether the hallucination is hazy like the cat, or as solid as any real object, like the shadowy people that I used to see following me.
Hallucinations can also relate to your thoughts and feelings
The cat came to me when I needed hope. She is a beacon for me, blinking slowly and making me feel like maybe things will be okay. The shadow people are born from fear – my fears and anxiety surrounding the situations that triggered me, the fear of the illness itself, and my fear of people finding out about it and distancing themselves from me. And even when I know it isn’t real, I’m still afraid because I feel like I have no control over my brain and I don’t know what to expect next.
The one instance where I didn’t realize it was a hallucination until later, it wasn’t scary or hopeful
After therapy one day, I went to Panera Bread and sat down at a small table with a bowl of chili. I had on my bright red rain boots because the weather report promised rain. A man with short, dark hair and glasses in a khaki trench coat came and sat down at one of tables next to me on the opposite side. He had a grocery bag full of stuff with him. As he sat, he commented on the fact that I was eating lunch so early. After a short moment, he said, “you went to Northwestern, right?” I glanced up and gave a slight nod, trying to ignore him and hoping he would leave me alone.
“You studied psychology.” I mumbled yes. He leaned forward and put his elbows on his table. “But you don’t do that anymore, do you?” I looked up slightly. I thought about how to explain it, but he got up, grabbed his bag, and said a short, upbeat goodbye. As he passed my chair, he pointed to my boots and said, “you’ve got your boots on; you’re ready to go.”
I later realized that he could never have known any of that
We picked the hallucination apart in therapy the following week. Many of my hallucinations, like the man in the dark overcoat who stood on the end of my bed one night, were like my anxieties had come to life to terrorize me, But this one had more detailed meaning. For example, his questions about my career path hit home. I was struggling with my decision to forgo a Ph.D with the intent to do research on schizophrenia because none of my new career ideas seemed right and I felt lost.
And then there is the step into another reality
One day during the first year of my diagnosis, I was getting ready in the bathroom like usual. I’m not sure why, but I sat down on the edge of the tub and closed my eyes. The room melted away, and I was on a path in a lush jungle. A small alpaca figurine like the ones we sold in the fair trade store in which I worked walked up to me. I put out my hand, and he climbed onto it. He smiled, and I don’t remember what he said, but I set him down. As I opened my eyes, the jungle melted away and returned to being my bathroom.
Visual hallucinations aren’t exactly like most people think
Some visual hallucinations look as real as anything else, some are hazy. Some happen within the real world, and others can strip the real world away altogether. And sometimes you know it’s not real, but at others, you don’t. But what remains true throughout all of it, is that they all induce an intense emotional response, be it fear, hope, or anything else. And knowing that it’s a symptom doesn’t take that away.
For additional content, follow Not Like The Others on social media