- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle
Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Accepting Mental Illness in Real Life
If someone having visible symptoms of a mental illness makes you uncomfortable, the solution is not for them to stop. Society needs to learn to be accepting of mental illness in more than just theory. And this doesn’t only hold true for mental health. People with illnesses and disabilities of all kinds face this kind of stigma. I’ve been on both sides. I remember sitting on the L train in Chicago one evening with a friend. Across the aisle, a gentleman who had been muttering to himself began to hit himself on his forehead repeatedly. It made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to respond. Do I intervene? Would…
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Depression: silently coming apart at the seams
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In high school, I reinvented myself. In junior high I hid my extreme shyness and inner turmoil behind an obsession with horses. But as I transitioned from junior high to high school, I decided that I didn’t want to be “that weird girl” anymore. I had been involved in theater since I was 12 and simply utilized what I had learned. I wasn’t confident, but I could fake it. I’ve always been timid, but I had wanted to be a leader. And I wasn’t happy, but I could pretend I was. The result was a new identity – a fearless leader, alternative…
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The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy. The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me. While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
What do I want when I need support?
What do I want when I’m not okay? How can you help me when I’m coming unraveled on the floor? What are you expected to do when my nerves are on fire and I can’t handle it? What are you supposed to say when I’m telling you I’m seeing something that you can’t see? How are you supposed to know what to do? Well, you aren’t. I spent years wanting someone to just know what I wanted and how to help me without me having to explain. But over the years I realized that I couldn’t expect others to know. Why would you know? Why would you know how to…
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When my PTSD is Triggered
Trigger Warning: Mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and rape A little over a week ago, I found out that the person at the source of my trauma, my ex-boyfriend, now lives in my apartment building. I’d imagined countless ways we might come face to face, but this was a nightmare I never even considered. Here’s what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is like for me. What does my PTSD look like? It looks like me, smiling at people as I walk down the hall. Meanwhile, panic has me by the throat every time I walk into an area where I might run into him. It’s me answering the phone at…
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When All You Can Do Is Try
Receiving a diagnosis of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder is life changing. It can turn your entire world upside down. I would love to tell you that I’ve always handled my diagnosis and living with schizoaffective disorder with dignity and grace, but that’s just not the case. Despite my ability to articulate what I’ve been through, I don’t have myself entirely together all the time. I would like to believe that I do, but I don’t. I’ve been bitter, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been in denial. It’s feelings not unlike that which some people with diagnoses of other chronic illnesses or terminal illnesses go through. I used to try to…
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Life as a high functioning person with schizoaffective disorder
There are a few different ways to define what high functioning means for someone with schizophrenia – the ability to work full-time or function as a stay-at-home caregiver or as a full-time student, good interpersonal skills and relationships, and just generally being able to function in society the majority of the time. Throughout the course of my life with schizoaffective disorder, I have always been considered high functioning. But high functioning doesn’t mean my life is normal or even symptom-free. There still may be symptoms Residual symptoms are common in people with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder even with medication and can occur frequently. For me, this occurs as disorganized thoughts…
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Reality Checking
During a question and answer session after myself and another speaker shared our stories to educate sheriff officers during Crisis Intervention Training, one of the officers brought up that he has a friend with schizophrenia and his friend will sometimes ask him if he heard or saw something, which is a tool many of us refer to as reality checking. The officer continued, saying he was usually able to confirm the experience as real, but then he asked, “what do I do if it isn’t real?” I cannot stress enough how important this question is, and I have the feeling this is a question many people have, and may or…