-
How She Helped Me – Small Things, Big Impact
To the coworker who helped me when I had a hallucination at work, thank you. When I told you I had a weird question and I didn’t know how to ask, you gave me your full attention. No discomfort, no judgement, you listened. You listened to me say that I had been sitting at my desk working and heard the sound of scratching from the inside of the server room door and I didn’t know if it was real or all in my head. Only a select few people in the office know that I have schizoaffective disorder, including you. But I had never approached anyone in the office with…
-
Omi Strong – Loss, Support, and Schizoaffective Disorder
I keep seeing cats out of the corner of my eye. I enter a room and there’s a grey striped cat on the lowest stair. As I bring a box into the kitchen, a long haired feline awaits around the corner. They don’t stay long, but they’ve appeared four times in the last three hours. They’ve been here since shortly after I heard the news about Omi. Let’s back up. This morning, I received a call from my cousin. He asked if I had heard and I instantly knew what he was going to say. Our grandmother, who we call Omi, passed away peacefully early this morning. It wasn’t unexpected…
-
A Day in My Life With Schizoaffective Disorder – When Symptoms Flare
Mental illnesses affect everyone differently. When I experience symptoms, to outsiders it may look like nothing is wrong. Here’s a glimpse behind the curtain of what a recent flare up was like for me. I pushed my post-traumatic stress disorder yesterday. I went to a place that I usually avoid. I’m proud of myself for that, but I’m paying a price. I had flashbacks that evening, and symptoms of psychosis crept in, the tide rising on me today. I take my time getting ready this morning. In general, when I’m stressed or anxious, I feel better if I’ve put effort into my appearance; it’s a form of self-care for me.…
-
The Trauma of Experiencing Mental Illness
Trauma is often a trigger for mental illness, but experiences had due to mental illness can also be traumatic themselves. I’ve had near death or serious injury experiences. I’ve been threatened, manipulated, and emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. I’m a rape survivor with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While my PTSD is triggered by things that remind me of my traumas, I’ve also discovered that I have a similar response to fears about experiencing symptoms and actions related to my schizoaffective disorder. For much of my life, I have battled depression At certain points in time, beginning at a very early age, I would think about suicide. Sometimes it was just…
-
Reality Checking
During a question and answer session after myself and another speaker shared our stories to educate sheriff officers during Crisis Intervention Training, one of the officers brought up that he has a friend with schizophrenia and his friend will sometimes ask him if he heard or saw something, which is a tool many of us refer to as reality checking. The officer continued, saying he was usually able to confirm the experience as real, but then he asked, “what do I do if it isn’t real?” I cannot stress enough how important this question is, and I have the feeling this is a question many people have, and may or…
-
Visual Hallucinations – A Closer Look
The picture above depicts a fluffy grey cat crouching on the branch of a tree, horizontal to the camera. Kind of Cheshire-cat-like. The cat’s tail hangs off the branch. She’s a little hazy, but she’s not a ghost; she’s very much there. Her eyes are pale, but confident and reassuring. You don’t see her do you? I don’t see her there anymore either, though I can see exactly where she was and I can picture her in my head. I took this photo during my worst episode to date. It was my senior year of college, and my mind pulled out all the stops. I had symptoms that I had…