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When You Can’t Trust Your Own Brain
Muddled feelings circle my head as I stare blankly at the computer screen at work. It feels like everyone is upset with me. Like all I do is annoy people and get in the way. But is that just my depression? I read anger on the face of a coworker. But is that just my brain malfunctioning? What was that noise? Was it real? Am I just reading into things too much? I know that reality can slip through my fingers. Even in small ways and without excessive stress, my mind can create thoughts, sensations, and experiences that are not real. How can I trust that my thoughts and responses…
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A Stereotype, Schizophrenia, and How I Had It All Wrong
Before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I believed some of the stereotype. Here's what the stereotype got wrong and how it impacted me.
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How She Helped Me – Small Things, Big Impact
To the coworker who helped me when I had a hallucination at work, thank you. When I told you I had a weird question and I didn’t know how to ask, you gave me your full attention. No discomfort, no judgement, you listened. You listened to me say that I had been sitting at my desk working and heard the sound of scratching from the inside of the server room door and I didn’t know if it was real or all in my head. Only a select few people in the office know that I have schizoaffective disorder, including you. But I had never approached anyone in the office with…
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Social Skills, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Accepting My Needs
“Please.” I twist the word in my mind, stretching it, arcing it, and wringing out every drop of meaning. I never thought I would be learning social skills at 31. I turn “please” and the other words in that sentence of my coworker’s email over and over in my head, playing them in different tones of voice, picturing what it might look like in person. Would her face look like it does when I know she’s happy? And what if I can’t decide what feeling I think is behind it? I can’t always peer inside your mind the way other people can. Though not due to lack of empathy, identifying…
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Dear Schizoaffective Disorder – Letters to My Illness
Dear schizoaffective disorder, You are the worst roommate I have ever had. You took up residency in my brain, but refuse to pay rent. I know there’s no evicting you. And I know you’ll probably never play by my rules, but we need to find a way to live together. Dear schizoaffective disorder, You’re a bully. You lie in wait until you see my edges fraying. Then you come at me, claws out. There is no valor in preying on the weak. And I can barely imagine the suffering of the people without effective treatment on whom you prey. Sometimes I fight back. But sometimes I don’t have the energy…
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A Young Adult gets a Schizophrenia Diagnosis- My Experience and How to Change It
Imagine, for a moment, a young adult, sitting on the couch in a psychiatrist’s office, shifting anxiously as they wait to hear the answer to their question. The doctor sits in her chair, red nails pressed tip to tip as she puts her hands together. Hesitantly, she gives the young adult the answer they dreaded – “It’s looking to be schizophrenia.” In your mind, who is this young adult? Yourself? Your child or sibling? Or perhaps a stranger? How did you picture them reacting to this news? My guess is, not well. And that would not be surprising. When I received my initial schizophrenia diagnosis, I thought my life was…
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Life with Schizoaffective Disorder – the Quiet Changes
Schizophrenia is not all hallucinations and delusions. There is a quieter suffering. Here is how the shame and self-doubt impacted my life.
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Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) – more than just perfectionism
It was a yes and then a maybe and then a firm yes and I added obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) to my list of mental health issues. At first, it was a relief to know that my preoccupation with order, need to follow rules, and desperate pursuit of perfectionism were not just me overreacting, they are symptoms of a very real disorder. After that, I felt like a child having a tantrum, internally banging the ground screaming, “I don’t want it!” In time, I mostly came to terms with it and cautiously began sharing my new diagnosis. But my explanations, particularly regarding the perfectionism that is involved, were often dismissed…
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If I had a second chance at my first year with schizoaffective disorder
Close your eyes for a moment. Think of a difficult time in your life. What do you feel? Do you feel like you did your best or do you have regrets? Or maybe a combination of both? If you had a second chance and could go back and change the decisions you made or the way you acted, would you? When my mind wanders back to my first year living with schizoaffective disorder, I think I did the best I thought I could. But I don’t think I made all the right choices. If I could go back to standing in 17-year-old me’s worn out converse shoes, there are some…
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Let’s skip to the part of my life inside schizoaffective disorder
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Let’s skip to the part where we’re close friends – past the pleasantries and smiling faces. We’re in high school, sitting on the floor of my living room softly speaking about the realities of our lives. I would tell you about how I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. And that I felt safest with horses and my closest friends, but that neither had any power over my desire to self-harm or the way my thoughts wandered around the idea of taking my life, dragging toes, but always leaving the door open. Let’s skip to the part when things first turned. At…
