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Another Year Ending – Reflections on Schizoaffective Disorder and 2021
At the end of the month we’ll hear shouts of “Happy New Year!” On that day, I’ll have another year on this earth officially under my belt. Another year older, another year wiser, another year of struggle and change behind me. Happy birthday to me, you survived. Sometimes I wonder how. This last year was another test (but really, aren’t they all?) Panic disorder had me swapping to the passenger seat of my own car. Schizoaffective disorder introduced me to new individuals and voices. And depression had me thinking of actions that I’ve managed to resist for roughly seven years. Don’t worry, I’ve kept up my streak, but it was…
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To my friend living with psychosis,
Hey, you – you transitioning out of that facility; you sitting at home; you still figuring out your next move; and you who feels like there’s no hope and no one understands. My friend, this letter is for you. My name is Katie, and though I may not have been through the exact same things you have, I get it. I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder since I was 17. I’ve taken handfuls of meds, done countless hours of therapy, and lost parts of my life to my disorder. And I’m here to tell you that there is hope for things to get better. Life might feel impossible right now.…
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I’m Fine – The Reasons I Resisted Inpatient Treatment
When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was in therapy and prescribed medication. I felt like it was my fault. But I was terrified of my suicidal thoughts and self harm, so I mechanically took my medication every night. As my symptoms grew and changed, my medications did as well. By the time I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was already on an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. I wasn’t sure if they would solve all my problems, but the mechanical motion continued, as did my heavy steps to the therapist’s door. Had I experienced hallucinations prior to starting this regimen, I don’t know if I would have…
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Alone With Schizoaffective Disorder – My Fears, Experiences, and How I Cope
As I closed the door, I could feel the flutter in my stomach. The timer has started. I am alone. With my cat and my dog, I guess I’m not entirely alone, but it’s not the same as having a person with me. There’s frustration – though this month will find me alone more often than not, it’s just a few days at a time. I’ve lived alone for as much as two years at a time. Yet, despite my frustration and against reason, there is a part of me that is afraid. It’s not a fear of others, but rather, a fear of myself. Being alone is one thing,…
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How My Brain Works After Schizoaffective Disorder
At 17, I was a problem solver. I was an academic thinker who thrived on logic puzzles and complex literature. Creativity was a second language – drawing, acting, photography, and stream-of-consciousness free writes wrapped up in metaphors. Whether or not I was any good at them didn’t matter; the ideas and motivation just flowed naturally. Outside of undiagnosed depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), my brain was efficient and extremely sharp. Each of my mental illnesses has had its impact on my mental functioning, but with the onset of schizoaffective disorder, things took a sharp turn. Though my passions and other areas of interest remain the same, my brain works differently…
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5 Of The Best Things Anyone Has Ever Done For Me And My Schizoaffective Disorder
It’s normal to feel lost when it comes to how to help someone with schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia. Even if you’re the person living with it, you may not always know what to ask for or even how to ask. But that’s okay. Unless you’ve been through this before, there’s no reason you would know what to do. And, while those of us living with psychosis may have some of the same or similar symptoms, these illnesses are highly personal and what works for one person may not work for another. But to help you come up with things that will help you or your loved one, in no particular…
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Omi Strong – Loss, Support, and Schizoaffective Disorder
I keep seeing cats out of the corner of my eye. I enter a room and there’s a grey striped cat on the lowest stair. As I bring a box into the kitchen, a long haired feline awaits around the corner. They don’t stay long, but they’ve appeared four times in the last three hours. They’ve been here since shortly after I heard the news about Omi. Let’s back up. This morning, I received a call from my cousin. He asked if I had heard and I instantly knew what he was going to say. Our grandmother, who we call Omi, passed away peacefully early this morning. It wasn’t unexpected…
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How My Negative Symptoms From Schizoaffective Disorder Affect My Frame of Mind
It’s common for me to say that the first sign that something was seriously wrong was when my long-standing symptoms of depression changed. They felt new and different despite the general similarities to the depression I had always known. I wasn’t sad or hopeless. It was more like being stuck in my head, sitting cross-legged and watching life happen around me. After several experiences with two distinct symptoms of psychosis from the class referred to as negative symptoms, I began to recognize the differences I felt back in the beginning and at times since then. Living with depressive-type schizoaffective disorder, I experience both symptoms of depression and negative symptoms, and…
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What Do My Hallucinations From Schizoaffective Disorder Feel Like?
After 13 years of living with schizoaffective disorder, hallucinations are a somewhat normal part of my life. They are neither constant nor always terrifying, but they do occur even with my treatment regimen. Everyone’s experiences are different, but here’s a look into what my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations are like. Do you know when you’re hallucinating? This is called insight, but it’s not universal to all with psychosis, and it also may come and go. For me, sometimes it’s easy to brush a hallucination off as just a symptom. But at other times there’s a tidal wave-like rush of emotions and my fight or flight instinct has me ready…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
The Let Down – A dangerous place for mental illness
At the end of a stressful event or series of events, whether good or bad, comes the let down. I’m the type of person who will put my head down and try (not always successfully) to power through a situation. I give it my all, draining myself of energy, emotion, and strength. But once I’ve given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul, I feel like I have nothing left. The emptiness aches so much that it welcomes all of the thoughts and feelings I fight to keep at bay. The let down is a dangerous place for me. When there is nothing left of a situation to push…