The Let Down – A dangerous place for mental illness
At the end of a stressful event or series of events, whether good or bad, comes the let down. I’m the type of person who will put my head down and try (not always successfully) to power through a situation. I give it my all, draining myself of energy, emotion, and strength. But once I’ve given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul, I feel like I have nothing left. The emptiness aches so much that it welcomes all of the thoughts and feelings I fight to keep at bay.
The let down is a dangerous place for me.
When there is nothing left of a situation to push through, I find myself falling flat on the ground in a dark and cavernous place in my mind. I am a problem solver at heart, so without goals or resolutions to reach, I am left feeling lost and vulnerable. Depression stands in the shadows, waiting for the right time to make it’s move. Once it creeps into my head, the door is open for symptoms of any kind to join in.
I firmly believe that this played a key role in triggering my schizoaffective disorder that very first time. After an extended period of stress compounding on stress, I quickly found myself free falling in the let down. My depression took on a new style and those very first hallucinations were quick to follow. After that, the floodgates opened.
Over the years, I noticed the pattern, and each visit to the let down brings it’s own mix of symptoms.
I tend to experience flattening of my emotions, slowing of my thoughts, and hallucinations such as shadowy figures or voices passing judgment on me. Communication with others becomes an even more exhausting task than it is on a regular basis. When I’m in the let down, I want to feel as though I’m a part of life again, but it’s hard to muster the strength to try to get there and hopelessness always hovers at my shoulder. It’s a battle to get out of that space, but with time and a great deal of effort, I can usually claw my way out.
Right now, I’m caught in the midst of multiple stressful situations, and I’m worried.
It’s strange in my head right now. There’s good, there’s bad, there’re symptoms – I think? Was that post really just a person, or was it always a post? Is my hyper-vigilance for symptoms just playing tricks with my mind? I feel all over the place – emotions and energy pulled in a tug-of-war from every angle. I’m fighting the urge to obsess over the things that I cannot control. Instead, I’m trying to take time for myself, but I’m not particularly good at that.
Every time I find myself nearing the let down, I feel as though I’ve given something up.
Last year, I felt as though I gave up promising opportunities in mental health advocacy. I felt as though I could not pull myself out of the let down to do anything that seemed important. In the past, I’ve given up opportunities of all sorts because I could not keep up with the pace of life while weighed down by the let down. And in 2008, it felt like I gave up everything when schizoaffective disorder awakened.
Recently, writing has been pulled from my grasp. For so long, I didn’t have the time or the energy to write. Then it was like someone lit up an entire matchbox. But my thoughts ran in every direction, creating a brand new world of knots. Words are the only way I know how to straighten things out in my head, but they keep slipping out of my grasp. I would sit to write, but my thoughts would vanish, if I even got that far. My brain is stretched so thin that it’s shutting down everything outside of these significant life events. I can feel the let down already wrapping its arms around me, but I don’t want to go.
This time, I’m trying to be more proactive.
It’s hard not to feel completely overwhelmed, and that feeling seems to grow exponentially with each door that I open in any of the situations currently in progress. I’m desperately searching for resolution, but only find new labyrinths of hallways and more doors smiling back at me. I’m securely strapped in on this emotional rollercoaster, but it’s a wild ride. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to make the transition back to everyday life with everyday problems easier.
So far, I’ve come up with a few options for ways to avoid falling into that pit. Setting major goals would be asking too much of myself after so much stress and anxiety. Instead, I’m going to try to set small, reachable goals to get the satisfaction of completing them without wearing myself down further. Keeping myself active and eating well are helpful as well. I’m also trying to think of ways to drag out some of the joys I’m experiencing so they end less suddenly. This is a new experiment, so we’ll see how it works. But with the clashing of emotions on both sides of the spectrum engulfing me and symptoms already creeping in, I can only imagine what the let down will bring if I don’t take care of myself. This time I will be ready.
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