Our Relationship – Navigating Life Together With My Mental Illnesses
I’ll be honest, I’m difficult to live with. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has me hyper schedule and detail-oriented. My anxiety makes me clingy at times. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) turns a relationship into a mine field of intrusive memories. And schizoaffective disorder is always throwing out curveballs like depression and hallucinations out of nowhere. But despite all of my symptoms and the issues that go along with them, my boyfriend, James, has stuck around for four years. Honestly, at one point, I wasn’t sure anyone ever would.
With my colorful cocktail of disorders, I know my actions and behaviors can be difficult to understand.
James and I knew each other long before the onset of my schizoaffective disorder. We were out of touch for eight years, but I mentioned my schizoaffective disorder diagnosis long before crossing from friendship to relationship. But knowing it isn’t the same as living with it. When he moved halfway across the country to be with me, it was a major adjustment for both of us. My PTSD came at me like a knife to the heart and significantly impacted my behavior. But we worked on it. And we worked through it.
We found ways to compromise and accommodate my unique needs without him having to give away his own needs.
Do we still push each other occasionally? Absolutely. But we’ve also learned how to resolve conflicts whether they are related to my mental health or not. It’s also pushed my growth. I’ve had to step outside my very small comfort zone to put his needs first and allow him the opportunity to grow in his career and as a person. But I am willing to do that for him, just as he is to me. That’s not something I’ve always been able to do.
In college, my relationship centered around me getting what I wanted and feeling guilty for it.
We primarily did the things that I wanted to do and avoided the things that I didn’t want to do. But despite nearly always getting my way, I wasn’t happy. I felt guilty and it made me uncomfortable. But also clingy, needy, and codependent and none of that felt good. I felt like I owed him something even though that wasn’t his intention. And it took me years to realize that it was okay for me to leave.
After ending that relationship, I tumbled into an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship where I stood on the opposite side. I gave up everything to try to make that man happy. I tore myself apart piece by piece in a desperate attempt to save his life. Meanwhile he took everything I offered and more and it still wasn’t enough. Living the single life, my mind echoed with messages like no one will ever love me the way I am. And once I was tangled up in that man’s lies and manipulation, I became convinced that he was the only one who would ever want me.
After draining myself of all funds, energy, dignity, and self-esteem, I broke free. At that point, I wasn’t plagued by fears of no one ever loving me, I was happy to be alone. And then James and I reconnected, first in the hazy realm of facebook friends, then real friends, and then more.
Together, we have faced some incredible challenges, many of which were caused or complicated by my mental illnesses, but learning how communicate was both difficult and vital.
James had to learn how to interpret actions and emotions that don’t always make sense, even to me. He had to learn how to operate in my world, challenging it when need be and supporting me through experiences that are totally foreign to him like my hallucinations. Likewise, I had to learn how to accommodate his needs and create space for him in my world so that we could work together instead struggling to take control.
In order to accommodate my symptoms, we came up with a few things:
The code
One room in the house is my safe zone. If the door is closed, James needs to leave me alone. If the door is cracked, I’m not doing well, but am open to support. This system was created when my PTSD was very severe shortly after James moved in and I no longer commanded every corner of my (our) small apartment. Sometimes simply being near him was enough to trigger flashbacks. At other times, I needed to feel safe, but would reach a point where I was ready for support.
Medication trumps all else
I must have the appropriate timing for my medication. The night time mix comes in three sections – at dinner, after dinner, and right before bed. We can push the limits of both dinner and bedtime to some degree and make plans to accommodate major scheduling changes, but there are still limits.
Sometimes it’s best if James walks away from me
Sometimes my OCD and anxiety scream in my ears, making small errors and issues magnified. I can become extremely agitated when this happens. Like tantrum-like agitated. In these situations, James trying to intervene only increases my stress and can result in me snapping at him. We’ve learned that in these instances, walking away and allowing me to work through it on my own is the best thing he can do.
Working together to come up with solutions
James travels for work occasionally, which can be hard on me, but it’s unavoidable. I am able to get through it, just with a little planning and a lot of communication. We determine what I am and am not comfortable doing alone and find ways to mitigate the uncomfortable tasks, like grocery shopping alone. And, most importantly, I keep in touch not only with him, but also with other friends and family, allowing him to focus on his job rather than constantly worrying about me and providing me with additional options for support.
When you live with mental illness of any kind, it complicates things.
But mental illness does not exclude you from having a healthy relationship. When it’s whispering in your ear that no one will ever love you, believe me when I say that is false. There are many who will judge or refuse to accommodate your needs, but there are people out there who will love you not in spite of your mental illness, but with it. Love, support, and kindness are not limited to any certain group of people. They are available to all.
Interested in more relationship-related content? Check out this interview I did with James for my blog several months ago or this podcast we were on from ACT in Perspective.
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