The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy.
The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me.
While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of denial. I told myself that if I just continued with my life as if nothing changed, then I could outrun schizoaffective disorder and everything would be okay. Two years later I finally accepted the fact that, while the disorder doesn’t define me, it did greatly affect my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that life was different now and that I needed to accommodate my illness. What really kept me out of the hospital was denial and stigma. But going to the hospital would probably have helped me recover quicker.
Part of my success in college was my mindset.
When I started college, I was desperate to find a record of someone with schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia who had entered and graduated from my university without taking leave. I wanted a role model – someone I could look to and know that this was possible. When I came up empty, my thought was, “well I guess I’m going to be the first.”
That statement is not as strong and positive as you may think.
While I did have to muster a great deal of strength and courage to approach college with that mindset, what was really behind it was pride, perfectionism, and intense competitiveness. For me, quitting was not an option. Failure was not an option. I gave myself no option other than what I considered success. In a way, this did help me. I had to find ways to help myself learn better and function as highly as possible so that I could keep up with my classmates.
To help myself achieve my goal, I connected with my school’s disability office (after initially resisting), strictly adhered to my medication regimen, made sure I got enough sleep, and spent most of my time outside of class studying. I was determined to do everything that I could to avoid taking leave. But Leave and hospitalization are not actually failure at all. By avoiding these, I was limiting potentially beneficial treatment options. So while I did graduate, the motivation was not entirely healthy.
Despite the unhealthy aspects of my success, there were important positive factors as well.
Early intervention is incredibly valuable when it comes to any mental illness. This is especially true when it comes to schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. I didn’t go through one of the formal programs or clinics, but I was lucky to receive treatment quite literally at the first signs of schizoaffective disorder.
My depression felt different that summer, and it was impacting my ability to function in daily life. To my perfectionistic self, this was unacceptable, so I asked to see a therapist. Within just a couple weeks, the hallucinations started. I knew I had to share this with my doctor if I wanted to get better even though speaking up was terrifying. I feared she would think I was “crazy.” But I desperately wanted to get better and go back to ruthless overachieving. And so I was treated immediately. No, it didn’t stop schizoaffective disorder from developing further. However, it helped us get some level of control over it before it could become severe. Had I not had an early intervention with therapy and medication, my life may not have been what it is today.
Another vital aspect in my success has been my support system.
I knew that I could not handle life with schizoaffective disorder alone. And my perfectionism required that I return to what it considered an acceptable level of functioning. But I would not be where I am today without everyone who has supported me.
I have parents who made sure I knew it was okay to ask for help. Though I avoided that for years when I was depressed. I’ve been able to work with two outstanding psychiatric professionals. I have friends and a boyfriend who didn’t bat an eye at my diagnosis. And they’ve always been there for me even when they didn’t know what to do. Even when I wasn’t ready to talk about something, I always knew they would listen without judgment. My support system has gotten me through episodes and cheered me on during my successes. These friends, family, my boyfriend, and doctors have been key to my success with schizoaffective disorder.
I know sometimes it looks like I have it all together, but the truth is that I don’t.
It’s true, I’ve been successful in managing my schizoaffective disorder and pursuing what could be called a “normal” life, but I’m not perfect. My success isn’t entirely due to positive habits and ways of thinking. No, I haven’t been hospitalized yet, but that may not have been the best idea in some past circumstances. Yes, I have always adhered to my medication regimen, but I still battle with urges to stop taking them sometimes. Sure, I graduated college, but it wasn’t without extensive struggles and denial.
I don’t recommend using denial, perfectionism, and pride as ways to help you achieve your goals and function highly. But I do firmly believe that early intervention and having a strong support system are incredibly important in recovery and life with mental illness. Speaking up was by far and away the most important thing I did. But what my journey has shown me is that everyone is individual. My path may not be the right one for you. But you can learn from my successes and failures and use that to create your own path to your own personal success.
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