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Irrational and Unreasonable – Why You Don’t Have To Understand My Anxiety
My fate is resting in my hands. If I make the wrong choice, my entire life could fall apart. My nerves chatter with anxiety and it wraps itself around my throat. I can’t make this decision. It’s too important and I’m sure I’ll make the wrong choice. So I turn to my boyfriend and ask the question – “Which of these shirts should I wear today?” It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? It is. It’s irrational. It’s unreasonable. And I am fully aware of that. Logically, I know that the world will not explode if I wear the wrong shirt. Is there even a right or wrong shirt for a Saturday…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle
Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
An Invisible Disability – Understanding What You Can’t See
I feel like the world has this idea of what disabilities are supposed to look like. Yet, quite often, it doesn’t match what it’s really like. And having an invisible disability comes with it’s own cocktail of stigma and expectations. Personally, I often find myself examining my own disabilities through the eyes of others. But knowing that others don’t see my suffering has only served to hold me back. It’s taken me years to convince myself that whether or not I have a disability has nothing to do with what others see. What matters is how it feels and impacts your life. And while onlookers may never know the true…
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Negative Symptoms – A Look Inside
What are negative symptoms? Well, they can be difficult to explain. Two days ago, I sat in the passenger seat of the car, sorting through my thoughts. I was irritated, but consciously forced urges to say mean things out of my head. There was nothing worth fighting over. At a certain point, the mean thoughts slowed and stopped appearing. Instead, they were replaced by ordinary things to say like comments on the songs playing and random thoughts. As they unfolded in my mind, I looked them over. But with each one, I ultimately decided they weren’t worth sharing, though there was no anger behind it. So we drove in silence.…
- Advocacy, Disorganized symptoms, Hallucinations, Medication, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
On Speaking Up About Symptoms
We were still trying to get my medication right when it happened. Home alone, getting ready for the day, I heard a man snicker at me from the back corner of my bedroom. A chill ran through me like an electric shock. My first thought – No. No, this can’t be happening. Fear caught me in it’s grasp. I needed this to go away so I could go back to my normal life. Motivated by a mixture of fear, denial, and trust, I saw speaking up as my only way out. I don’t remember how I told my doctor about my first hallucination. It might have been in a voicemail…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Medication, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why I share my story and how you can share your story too
The very first time I shared my story at a Crisis Intervention Training (CIT), a man waited quite a while to talk to me after we were done. The rest of the class had returned from their brief break to finish out the end of the last day of the training. He told me that his sister had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But he said he and his family didn’t really get it because she seemed fine. Now, he said, he understood. He told me he was going to go home and call his sister. Moments like these encapsulate why I share my story. By speaking to those with…
- Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Do you get used to having a mental illness?
“I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.” – Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves Do you ever get used to having a mental illness? For some, mental illness can be treated and resolved. For others, it comes and goes. And for the rest of us, it’s life long and it’s just a matter of does it get worse, better, or remain the same. The course is determined by numerous factors like genes, trauma, and whether or not treatment works. The outcome is as unique and individual as we…
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How I Self-Medicated Without Drugs and Alcohol
I was once asked if I self-medicated after the onset of my mental illness. The answer? Yes, but not with drugs or alcohol. It wasn’t my clarity or control over my mind that bothered me the most when schizoaffective disorder hit me like a bus. I wasn’t ready to deal with those yet. What I mourned the most was the loss of the ease of academics, the ability to eat anything but stay skinny, and some level of innate athletic ability – the things that others could see. I felt robbed. It felt like I was worth less without those things. And since then, they’ve held roles as both ways…
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Schizoaffective disorder – Would you take it all back if you could?
At this point, I can’t imagine what life would be like without schizoaffective disorder. What is it like to not take medication? How does it feel to have your thoughts mostly organized? What does it feel like to live without cognitive impairment? And what is life like when you’re struggles aren’t projected as something you experience that no one else perceives? Would my life be better without this disease? Despite my ability to function highly, schizoaffective disorder has caused my life to deviate far away from what most others experience. But how has it really impacted me? It’s been my downfall and silent disaster. It’s caused me agony, left me…