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Social Skills, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Accepting My Needs
“Please.” I twist the word in my mind, stretching it, arcing it, and wringing out every drop of meaning. I never thought I would be learning social skills at 31. I turn “please” and the other words in that sentence of my coworker’s email over and over in my head, playing them in different tones of voice, picturing what it might look like in person. Would her face look like it does when I know she’s happy? And what if I can’t decide what feeling I think is behind it? I can’t always peer inside your mind the way other people can. Though not due to lack of empathy, identifying…
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To my friend living with psychosis,
Hey, you – you transitioning out of that facility; you sitting at home; you still figuring out your next move; and you who feels like there’s no hope and no one understands. My friend, this letter is for you. My name is Katie, and though I may not have been through the exact same things you have, I get it. I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder since I was 17. I’ve taken handfuls of meds, done countless hours of therapy, and lost parts of my life to my disorder. And I’m here to tell you that there is hope for things to get better. Life might feel impossible right now.…
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Why My Recovery from Symptoms of Mental Illness Scares Me
Recovery from mental illness is complicated. Figuring out what recovery will realistically look like is complicated. The actual process of recovery is complicated. And figuring out how you feel about your recovery can be more complicated than others may think. For me, recovery is a lifelong process. Due to the nature of my illnesses, some, if not all, will be with me my entire life. What I’m chasing is stability. And right now, I’m fighting to break free from severe symptoms. It might sound a little ridiculous, but, at this stage, my recovery is full of mixed emotions. I’m excited, but also terrified. In the beginning, things looked bleak. Every…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Help, Hypocrisy, and What it Took for Me To Ask
I shocked my psychiatrist recently. I have never seen her more surprised than when I asked, “do you think a third session every week would be helpful?” It took her a moment to process. “yes,” she said, “I think it would.” Today she explained her surprise. In the nearly 8 years she’s been working with me, I’ve done just about everything to avoid asking for help. And suddenly, I am determined to get it. Let me give you some background My childhood and teen years were spent trying to convince myself that my obsessive-compulsive disorder was quirkiness and that I was being overdramatic by thinking I was suffering from depression.…
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The Slow Motion Collision and The Silent Crescendo
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In mental health, crises are often silent. Sometimes someone pulls a trigger and you rocket upwards in a grand, but inaudible crescendo. But some emergencies happen in slow motion. They can creep up on you – no trigger pulled, just a blind march with the noise becoming ever louder until it’s all you can hear. Last August, my world turned upside down in one swift motion. Cymbals crashed when I found out that my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend moved into my apartment building. There was nothing slow about it. I went from feeling like I was getting my post-traumatic stress disorder…
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Irrational and Unreasonable – Why You Don’t Have To Understand My Anxiety
My fate is resting in my hands. If I make the wrong choice, my entire life could fall apart. My nerves chatter with anxiety and it wraps itself around my throat. I can’t make this decision. It’s too important and I’m sure I’ll make the wrong choice. So I turn to my boyfriend and ask the question – “Which of these shirts should I wear today?” It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? It is. It’s irrational. It’s unreasonable. And I am fully aware of that. Logically, I know that the world will not explode if I wear the wrong shirt. Is there even a right or wrong shirt for a Saturday…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle
Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…
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The Darker Side of Perfectionism
As I scroll social media on my phone, I see it all the time – “Love yourself!” “Self-care is not selfish!” Nobody’s Perfect!” To me, these messages are for others. Not because I’m against them in any way. Rather, it’s because I don’t feel capable of applying those things to myself. I want to love myself the way I am; I really do. And I create plans for better-self care, but can’t follow through. I don’t want to be perfect. But, according to my brain, I have no other option. I’m a perfectionist, but not the kind that strives for excellence and feels proud when they achieve it. No, the…
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Depression: silently coming apart at the seams
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In high school, I reinvented myself. In junior high I hid my extreme shyness and inner turmoil behind an obsession with horses. But as I transitioned from junior high to high school, I decided that I didn’t want to be “that weird girl” anymore. I had been involved in theater since I was 12 and simply utilized what I had learned. I wasn’t confident, but I could fake it. I’ve always been timid, but I had wanted to be a leader. And I wasn’t happy, but I could pretend I was. The result was a new identity – a fearless leader, alternative…
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Why we can’t forget about people with schizophrenia
It’s exciting to see so many organizations and individuals coming out to support and shed light upon mental illness. Brave people are standing up and sharing their stories, something that can be very frightening to do. The fight against stigma is gaining support daily. But in our efforts to dispel the myths and stereotypes around mental illness, there are still diseases that are often overlooked or treated differently. When it comes to advocacy, we can’t forget diseases like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. The fear of the word Even within the mental health community, there is a great deal of stigma around disorders involving symptoms of psychosis like schizophrenia. The words…