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5 Things That Help Me When I’m Experiencing Psychosis
Schizoaffective disorder is a rollercoaster. An illness on the schizophrenia spectrum, it is a cocktail of mood symptoms and psychosis that’s well shaken and then lit on fire. Despite taking medications and being in therapy, I do still experience symptoms sometimes, including symptoms of psychosis like hallucinations. And when I’m fighting my way through a sea of psychosis, I don’t expect people to know what to do. For a very long time, I didn’t know what to do either. I spent years bracing myself through my symptoms as I waited for medication adjustments to take effect. But with every episode of psychosis that I’ve endured, I’ve learned new things about…
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A Stereotype, Schizophrenia, and How I Had It All Wrong
Before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I believed some of the stereotype. Here's what the stereotype got wrong and how it impacted me.
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Alone With Schizoaffective Disorder – My Fears, Experiences, and How I Cope
As I closed the door, I could feel the flutter in my stomach. The timer has started. I am alone. With my cat and my dog, I guess I’m not entirely alone, but it’s not the same as having a person with me. There’s frustration – though this month will find me alone more often than not, it’s just a few days at a time. I’ve lived alone for as much as two years at a time. Yet, despite my frustration and against reason, there is a part of me that is afraid. It’s not a fear of others, but rather, a fear of myself. Being alone is one thing,…
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5 Of The Best Things Anyone Has Ever Done For Me And My Schizoaffective Disorder
It’s normal to feel lost when it comes to how to help someone with schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia. Even if you’re the person living with it, you may not always know what to ask for or even how to ask. But that’s okay. Unless you’ve been through this before, there’s no reason you would know what to do. And, while those of us living with psychosis may have some of the same or similar symptoms, these illnesses are highly personal and what works for one person may not work for another. But to help you come up with things that will help you or your loved one, in no particular…
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The Pressure of Perceived Expectations – Stories from Recovery
Can you feel it? That crushing weight that moves so slowly, pressing you down against the ground, until it’s hard to breathe. Pressure is often the enemy of mental health, and it can come from anywhere – yourself, family, employers, teachers, and even people who aren’t intentionally putting pressure on you. My mind manufactures pressure dressed up in an endless number of ways. Expectations begin like icicles. It starts as just a drip. In high school, people expected me to do well simply because that was my pattern. Academics and athletics came easily, but I quickly began to feel as though it were my job to excel. But when the…
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The Slow Motion Collision and The Silent Crescendo
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In mental health, crises are often silent. Sometimes someone pulls a trigger and you rocket upwards in a grand, but inaudible crescendo. But some emergencies happen in slow motion. They can creep up on you – no trigger pulled, just a blind march with the noise becoming ever louder until it’s all you can hear. Last August, my world turned upside down in one swift motion. Cymbals crashed when I found out that my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend moved into my apartment building. There was nothing slow about it. I went from feeling like I was getting my post-traumatic stress disorder…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle
Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
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On opening up about a diagnosis
Opening up is easier said than done There’s so much fear involved in opening up about a diagnosis or symptoms. It’s incredibly common for people to feel like their loved ones will abandon them or think poorly of them if they speak up about what’s happening. Fear is often joined by denial, and these feelings can be so strong that many people remain silent even as their conditions deteriorate to critical levels. My struggle with speaking up I have a very supportive family who always made it clear that I could tell them anything, but I struggled to tell them about the depression I’d been experiencing since I was a…
