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How I Self-Medicated Without Drugs and Alcohol
I was once asked if I self-medicated after the onset of my mental illness. The answer? Yes, but not with drugs or alcohol. It wasn’t my clarity or control over my mind that bothered me the most when schizoaffective disorder hit me like a bus. I wasn’t ready to deal with those yet. What I mourned the most was the loss of the ease of academics, the ability to eat anything but stay skinny, and some level of innate athletic ability – the things that others could see. I felt robbed. It felt like I was worth less without those things. And since then, they’ve held roles as both ways…
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The Impact of my Illnesses on my Significant Other
Meet James. He’s a hardware and software engineer from the same area of California that I’m from. We met back in high school and didn’t really like each other. But 8 years after I moved to Illinois, we reconnected through Facebook. Now he lives with me in Illinois and we’ve been dating for 3 1/2 years. His support is vital to me, and he regularly supports me through symptoms and setbacks related to my obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and schizoaffective disorder. Typically on this blog, you hear my perspective. To give you a fuller idea of the impact my illnesses have on those around me, here is…
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My Experience with Mental Illness in the Workplace
In college, I interviewed for a position in the lab of a professor at my university. I eagerly explained that part of why I was interested in his work and the role was because of my personal experience with schizoaffective disorder. He gently advised me that my diagnosis was something I should keep closer to my chest in job interviews. At the time, I was almost offended. I’m out here trying to break stigma. How can I do that if I’m not open about it? But, over the years, I’ve come to understand why he said that. At this point in my life, I’ve been through several jobs in some…
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Why we can’t forget about people with schizophrenia
It’s exciting to see so many organizations and individuals coming out to support and shed light upon mental illness. Brave people are standing up and sharing their stories, something that can be very frightening to do. The fight against stigma is gaining support daily. But in our efforts to dispel the myths and stereotypes around mental illness, there are still diseases that are often overlooked or treated differently. When it comes to advocacy, we can’t forget diseases like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. The fear of the word Even within the mental health community, there is a great deal of stigma around disorders involving symptoms of psychosis like schizophrenia. The words…
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Schizoaffective disorder – Would you take it all back if you could?
At this point, I can’t imagine what life would be like without schizoaffective disorder. What is it like to not take medication? How does it feel to have your thoughts mostly organized? What does it feel like to live without cognitive impairment? And what is life like when you’re struggles aren’t projected as something you experience that no one else perceives? Would my life be better without this disease? Despite my ability to function highly, schizoaffective disorder has caused my life to deviate far away from what most others experience. But how has it really impacted me? It’s been my downfall and silent disaster. It’s caused me agony, left me…
- A Day in the Life, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A Day in My Life with Schizoaffective disorder – Moving Day
It’s moving day – well, day 2. We spent the night in our new apartment. It’s still skeletal when it comes to furnishings. Bags and boxes litter the rooms, stacked on the furniture and the floor. Despite all of that, I already feel at home. I lean towards the mirror as I put on my makeup. It might seem strange to some that I would wear makeup when I’ll be spending my day lifting and carting around boxes, but, for me, makeup is a form of self-care. I don’t think I look awful without it, but I feel more secure when I’ve spent time taking care of myself. It’s not…
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When your child is diagnosed with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder
It’s understandable if your emotions are on high and if fear is flooding through your veins. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are scary words. You might be wondering what this means for your child’s life. Will they be able to live independently? Will they be happy? As much as I wish that I could, I can’t answer those questions for you, but here’s what I know. Not only has your child’s life changed forever, but yours has too. Whether your child is young or an adult, it’s going to be a complicated road full of obstacles in treatment, education, work, and even just daily life, but no matter how bleak the…
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The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy. The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me. While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
What do I want when I need support?
What do I want when I’m not okay? How can you help me when I’m coming unraveled on the floor? What are you expected to do when my nerves are on fire and I can’t handle it? What are you supposed to say when I’m telling you I’m seeing something that you can’t see? How are you supposed to know what to do? Well, you aren’t. I spent years wanting someone to just know what I wanted and how to help me without me having to explain. But over the years I realized that I couldn’t expect others to know. Why would you know? Why would you know how to…
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What My Disorganized Thoughts Feel Like
I wake up every morning not knowing if my thoughts will stay in place today. When talking with others, my thoughts can become derailed and wander off to other related subjects. I can be perfectly aware of where the conversation is, but my mind takes me by the hand and leads me on paths that gently begin to deviate from the topic. In high school, my friends became accustomed to me piping up when the conversation headed my way, announcing, “a really weird train of thought led me to…” after making my remarks, we would retrace the steps from the original topic to my latest comment. It’s not that I’m…