-
The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Mental Illness Stole my Identity – Stories from Recovery
I never thought that I tied my identity to my mental illnesses. I’m more than schizoaffective disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is just something I live with. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) doesn’t define me. And depression and anxiety are a battle, not my identity. I convinced myself that I am my own true self. But after 13 years of therapy, I’m realizing that I have no idea who I am at all. And it’s nearly ground my recovery to a halt. I preached that I am not my illnesses. I am a person, not a diagnosis. But as we dig into the deepest darkest parts of my mind, I’m realizing that…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why Mental Health Education Needs to Begin Before a Career
When I started speaking publicly about schizoaffective disorder in college, it was an education on, “look what people like me can achieve despite all of this” Now, when I speak for classes and community presentations, it’s, “look what it’s really like to live with this” And when I speak for law enforcement and correctional officers, it’s, “look at how I go through all of this, but I’m still just like you.” Same life story, different goal. I rewrote my talk again in anticipation of speaking to the Chicago Police Department for the second time. I began speaking publicly as a junior in college and was both terrified and excited at…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Help, Hypocrisy, and What it Took for Me To Ask
I shocked my psychiatrist recently. I have never seen her more surprised than when I asked, “do you think a third session every week would be helpful?” It took her a moment to process. “yes,” she said, “I think it would.” Today she explained her surprise. In the nearly 8 years she’s been working with me, I’ve done just about everything to avoid asking for help. And suddenly, I am determined to get it. Let me give you some background My childhood and teen years were spent trying to convince myself that my obsessive-compulsive disorder was quirkiness and that I was being overdramatic by thinking I was suffering from depression.…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Right Term – Sensitive, Supportive, and Entirely Personal
Trigger Warning: Talk of Rape/Sexual Assault and Suicide In our efforts to be respectful, caring, and politically correct, we sometimes miss our own biases creeping in, though in a different way. We forget that not everyone thinks the same way, whether you share diagnoses or experiences or not. And in the process, we may be hindering the recovery and growth of others. From organizations and media, we learn the “appropriate” terms and ways to talk to people. But have you ever stopped and wondered if that’s what the individuals want? Person-first vs. identity-first language I am a person with schizoaffective disorder. Advocacy told me that I am not a schizoaffective,…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Accepting Mental Illness in Real Life
If someone having visible symptoms of a mental illness makes you uncomfortable, the solution is not for them to stop. Society needs to learn to be accepting of mental illness in more than just theory. And this doesn’t only hold true for mental health. People with illnesses and disabilities of all kinds face this kind of stigma. I’ve been on both sides. I remember sitting on the L train in Chicago one evening with a friend. Across the aisle, a gentleman who had been muttering to himself began to hit himself on his forehead repeatedly. It made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to respond. Do I intervene? Would…
-
Negative Symptoms – A Look Inside
What are negative symptoms? Well, they can be difficult to explain. Two days ago, I sat in the passenger seat of the car, sorting through my thoughts. I was irritated, but consciously forced urges to say mean things out of my head. There was nothing worth fighting over. At a certain point, the mean thoughts slowed and stopped appearing. Instead, they were replaced by ordinary things to say like comments on the songs playing and random thoughts. As they unfolded in my mind, I looked them over. But with each one, I ultimately decided they weren’t worth sharing, though there was no anger behind it. So we drove in silence.…
- Advocacy, Disorganized symptoms, Hallucinations, Medication, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
On Speaking Up About Symptoms
We were still trying to get my medication right when it happened. Home alone, getting ready for the day, I heard a man snicker at me from the back corner of my bedroom. A chill ran through me like an electric shock. My first thought – No. No, this can’t be happening. Fear caught me in it’s grasp. I needed this to go away so I could go back to my normal life. Motivated by a mixture of fear, denial, and trust, I saw speaking up as my only way out. I don’t remember how I told my doctor about my first hallucination. It might have been in a voicemail…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Medication, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why I share my story and how you can share your story too
The very first time I shared my story at a Crisis Intervention Training (CIT), a man waited quite a while to talk to me after we were done. The rest of the class had returned from their brief break to finish out the end of the last day of the training. He told me that his sister had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But he said he and his family didn’t really get it because she seemed fine. Now, he said, he understood. He told me he was going to go home and call his sister. Moments like these encapsulate why I share my story. By speaking to those with…