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What Do My Hallucinations From Schizoaffective Disorder Feel Like?
After 13 years of living with schizoaffective disorder, hallucinations are a somewhat normal part of my life. They are neither constant nor always terrifying, but they do occur even with my treatment regimen. Everyone’s experiences are different, but here’s a look into what my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations are like. Do you know when you’re hallucinating? This is called insight, but it’s not universal to all with psychosis, and it also may come and go. For me, sometimes it’s easy to brush a hallucination off as just a symptom. But at other times there’s a tidal wave-like rush of emotions and my fight or flight instinct has me ready…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
A New Home – Real Estate, Mental Illness, and a Major Milestone
I’ve been having trouble writing lately. Well, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with a lot of things. My boyfriend and I are looking at buying a home. And even though it’s a good thing and we’re thrilled and grateful to have this opportunity, sometimes good things are still incredibly stressful. My schizoaffective disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety surrounding perfectionism, and newly diagnosed panic disorder are always a part of my daily life, but right now the stress amplifies all of them. My head feels busy – like a hive full of bees. Thoughts buzz and shift, but there is not enough room for…
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The Right to Feel – How I Stopped Blaming Myself for My Mental Illness
I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to be as broken as I am. I grew up with a loving family. We weren’t wealthy, but I never wanted for necessities. Growing up, the largest trauma I thought I faced was my parents’ amicable divorce. My mom moved several times, remarried, and my brother and I had to change elementary schools, but I actually preferred the new school. I can’t look back and spot significant hardship until high school. Lately, I argue with my psychiatrist – that others have had it worse. That I don’t have a right to feel this emotional turmoil. Yes, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
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Negative Symptoms – A Look Inside
What are negative symptoms? Well, they can be difficult to explain. Two days ago, I sat in the passenger seat of the car, sorting through my thoughts. I was irritated, but consciously forced urges to say mean things out of my head. There was nothing worth fighting over. At a certain point, the mean thoughts slowed and stopped appearing. Instead, they were replaced by ordinary things to say like comments on the songs playing and random thoughts. As they unfolded in my mind, I looked them over. But with each one, I ultimately decided they weren’t worth sharing, though there was no anger behind it. So we drove in silence.…
- Advocacy, Disorganized symptoms, Hallucinations, Medication, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
On Speaking Up About Symptoms
We were still trying to get my medication right when it happened. Home alone, getting ready for the day, I heard a man snicker at me from the back corner of my bedroom. A chill ran through me like an electric shock. My first thought – No. No, this can’t be happening. Fear caught me in it’s grasp. I needed this to go away so I could go back to my normal life. Motivated by a mixture of fear, denial, and trust, I saw speaking up as my only way out. I don’t remember how I told my doctor about my first hallucination. It might have been in a voicemail…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
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Living with the Pieces of My Shattered Mind
The shadows felt alive. Dark and sharply defined, I could feel them breathe as we walked our dog in the dark evening. The shadows were nonthreatening, but the longer this internal war goes on, the more my world seems to come alive. It began with voices in the distance – a scream, whispers, conversation far off in the distance, always too far to be heard clearly. We turned them up and down in therapy, inspecting from all angles. But the only thing that came of our initial investigation was that I felt that their conversation had something to do with me. At some point in my past, my mind fractured…
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Why we can’t forget about people with schizophrenia
It’s exciting to see so many organizations and individuals coming out to support and shed light upon mental illness. Brave people are standing up and sharing their stories, something that can be very frightening to do. The fight against stigma is gaining support daily. But in our efforts to dispel the myths and stereotypes around mental illness, there are still diseases that are often overlooked or treated differently. When it comes to advocacy, we can’t forget diseases like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. The fear of the word Even within the mental health community, there is a great deal of stigma around disorders involving symptoms of psychosis like schizophrenia. The words…
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Schizoaffective disorder – Would you take it all back if you could?
At this point, I can’t imagine what life would be like without schizoaffective disorder. What is it like to not take medication? How does it feel to have your thoughts mostly organized? What does it feel like to live without cognitive impairment? And what is life like when you’re struggles aren’t projected as something you experience that no one else perceives? Would my life be better without this disease? Despite my ability to function highly, schizoaffective disorder has caused my life to deviate far away from what most others experience. But how has it really impacted me? It’s been my downfall and silent disaster. It’s caused me agony, left me…