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“Close to Your Chest”- On Working Openly With Psychosis
Dear Professor, Back around 2011, I applied for a position in your lab as a research assistant. I hadn’t been your student, but your research interests were near enough to mine that the job caught my attention. I eagerly told you that part of why I was interested in the position was because of my own experiences with severe mental illness, specifically, schizoaffective disorder. Your face became serious. You told me that that was something I should keep close to my chest when seeking a job. In the moment, I was fiercely upset. I vowed that I would not keep this close to my chest. Because I should not have…
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How She Helped Me – Small Things, Big Impact
To the coworker who helped me when I had a hallucination at work, thank you. When I told you I had a weird question and I didn’t know how to ask, you gave me your full attention. No discomfort, no judgement, you listened. You listened to me say that I had been sitting at my desk working and heard the sound of scratching from the inside of the server room door and I didn’t know if it was real or all in my head. Only a select few people in the office know that I have schizoaffective disorder, including you. But I had never approached anyone in the office with…
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A Young Adult gets a Schizophrenia Diagnosis- My Experience and How to Change It
Imagine, for a moment, a young adult, sitting on the couch in a psychiatrist’s office, shifting anxiously as they wait to hear the answer to their question. The doctor sits in her chair, red nails pressed tip to tip as she puts her hands together. Hesitantly, she gives the young adult the answer they dreaded – “It’s looking to be schizophrenia.” In your mind, who is this young adult? Yourself? Your child or sibling? Or perhaps a stranger? How did you picture them reacting to this news? My guess is, not well. And that would not be surprising. When I received my initial schizophrenia diagnosis, I thought my life was…
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Let’s skip to the part of my life inside schizoaffective disorder
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Let’s skip to the part where we’re close friends – past the pleasantries and smiling faces. We’re in high school, sitting on the floor of my living room softly speaking about the realities of our lives. I would tell you about how I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. And that I felt safest with horses and my closest friends, but that neither had any power over my desire to self-harm or the way my thoughts wandered around the idea of taking my life, dragging toes, but always leaving the door open. Let’s skip to the part when things first turned. At…
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I’m Fine – The Reasons I Resisted Inpatient Treatment
When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was in therapy and prescribed medication. I felt like it was my fault. But I was terrified of my suicidal thoughts and self harm, so I mechanically took my medication every night. As my symptoms grew and changed, my medications did as well. By the time I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was already on an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. I wasn’t sure if they would solve all my problems, but the mechanical motion continued, as did my heavy steps to the therapist’s door. Had I experienced hallucinations prior to starting this regimen, I don’t know if I would have…
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What Do My Hallucinations From Schizoaffective Disorder Feel Like?
After 13 years of living with schizoaffective disorder, hallucinations are a somewhat normal part of my life. They are neither constant nor always terrifying, but they do occur even with my treatment regimen. Everyone’s experiences are different, but here’s a look into what my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations are like. Do you know when you’re hallucinating? This is called insight, but it’s not universal to all with psychosis, and it also may come and go. For me, sometimes it’s easy to brush a hallucination off as just a symptom. But at other times there’s a tidal wave-like rush of emotions and my fight or flight instinct has me ready…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
A New Home – Real Estate, Mental Illness, and a Major Milestone
I’ve been having trouble writing lately. Well, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with a lot of things. My boyfriend and I are looking at buying a home. And even though it’s a good thing and we’re thrilled and grateful to have this opportunity, sometimes good things are still incredibly stressful. My schizoaffective disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety surrounding perfectionism, and newly diagnosed panic disorder are always a part of my daily life, but right now the stress amplifies all of them. My head feels busy – like a hive full of bees. Thoughts buzz and shift, but there is not enough room for…
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The Right to Feel – How I Stopped Blaming Myself for My Mental Illness
I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to be as broken as I am. I grew up with a loving family. We weren’t wealthy, but I never wanted for necessities. Growing up, the largest trauma I thought I faced was my parents’ amicable divorce. My mom moved several times, remarried, and my brother and I had to change elementary schools, but I actually preferred the new school. I can’t look back and spot significant hardship until high school. Lately, I argue with my psychiatrist – that others have had it worse. That I don’t have a right to feel this emotional turmoil. Yes, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
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The Pressure of Perceived Expectations – Stories from Recovery
Can you feel it? That crushing weight that moves so slowly, pressing you down against the ground, until it’s hard to breathe. Pressure is often the enemy of mental health, and it can come from anywhere – yourself, family, employers, teachers, and even people who aren’t intentionally putting pressure on you. My mind manufactures pressure dressed up in an endless number of ways. Expectations begin like icicles. It starts as just a drip. In high school, people expected me to do well simply because that was my pattern. Academics and athletics came easily, but I quickly began to feel as though it were my job to excel. But when the…
