- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
A New Home – Real Estate, Mental Illness, and a Major Milestone
I’ve been having trouble writing lately. Well, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with a lot of things. My boyfriend and I are looking at buying a home. And even though it’s a good thing and we’re thrilled and grateful to have this opportunity, sometimes good things are still incredibly stressful. My schizoaffective disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety surrounding perfectionism, and newly diagnosed panic disorder are always a part of my daily life, but right now the stress amplifies all of them. My head feels busy – like a hive full of bees. Thoughts buzz and shift, but there is not enough room for…
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The Right to Feel – How I Stopped Blaming Myself for My Mental Illness
I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to be as broken as I am. I grew up with a loving family. We weren’t wealthy, but I never wanted for necessities. Growing up, the largest trauma I thought I faced was my parents’ amicable divorce. My mom moved several times, remarried, and my brother and I had to change elementary schools, but I actually preferred the new school. I can’t look back and spot significant hardship until high school. Lately, I argue with my psychiatrist – that others have had it worse. That I don’t have a right to feel this emotional turmoil. Yes, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Mental Illness Stole my Identity – Stories from Recovery
I never thought that I tied my identity to my mental illnesses. I’m more than schizoaffective disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is just something I live with. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) doesn’t define me. And depression and anxiety are a battle, not my identity. I convinced myself that I am my own true self. But after 13 years of therapy, I’m realizing that I have no idea who I am at all. And it’s nearly ground my recovery to a halt. I preached that I am not my illnesses. I am a person, not a diagnosis. But as we dig into the deepest darkest parts of my mind, I’m realizing that…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Right Term – Sensitive, Supportive, and Entirely Personal
Trigger Warning: Talk of Rape/Sexual Assault and Suicide In our efforts to be respectful, caring, and politically correct, we sometimes miss our own biases creeping in, though in a different way. We forget that not everyone thinks the same way, whether you share diagnoses or experiences or not. And in the process, we may be hindering the recovery and growth of others. From organizations and media, we learn the “appropriate” terms and ways to talk to people. But have you ever stopped and wondered if that’s what the individuals want? Person-first vs. identity-first language I am a person with schizoaffective disorder. Advocacy told me that I am not a schizoaffective,…
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The Slow Motion Collision and The Silent Crescendo
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In mental health, crises are often silent. Sometimes someone pulls a trigger and you rocket upwards in a grand, but inaudible crescendo. But some emergencies happen in slow motion. They can creep up on you – no trigger pulled, just a blind march with the noise becoming ever louder until it’s all you can hear. Last August, my world turned upside down in one swift motion. Cymbals crashed when I found out that my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend moved into my apartment building. There was nothing slow about it. I went from feeling like I was getting my post-traumatic stress disorder…
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What facing my trauma really looks like
Trigger Warning: Mention of sexual assault/rape and suicidal ideation Don’t let him rule your life. Everyone who offered those words meant it in support. I told myself I could do it. I tried. But when the man who sexually assaulted you moves into your apartment building, it’s going to have an impact. The trauma became inescapable. It felt like an invasion of privacy. I felt safe in our location. It was a fair distance from where I last knew of that he lived as well as being away from where he and I lived together. For me this was a new city, new space, new outlook on life. The building…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
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The Impact of my Illnesses on my Significant Other
Meet James. He’s a hardware and software engineer from the same area of California that I’m from. We met back in high school and didn’t really like each other. But 8 years after I moved to Illinois, we reconnected through Facebook. Now he lives with me in Illinois and we’ve been dating for 3 1/2 years. His support is vital to me, and he regularly supports me through symptoms and setbacks related to my obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and schizoaffective disorder. Typically on this blog, you hear my perspective. To give you a fuller idea of the impact my illnesses have on those around me, here is…
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My Experience with Mental Illness in the Workplace
In college, I interviewed for a position in the lab of a professor at my university. I eagerly explained that part of why I was interested in his work and the role was because of my personal experience with schizoaffective disorder. He gently advised me that my diagnosis was something I should keep closer to my chest in job interviews. At the time, I was almost offended. I’m out here trying to break stigma. How can I do that if I’m not open about it? But, over the years, I’ve come to understand why he said that. At this point in my life, I’ve been through several jobs in some…
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Tangled Emotions
Mental illness is cruel. It can take your ability to reason right out of your grasp. It can reach into your head and twist your thoughts until they’re so tangled up you don’t know what’s happening. Mental illness can steal your hope, push every button you have, and fill your head with so many different emotions that you don’t know what you’re feeling. I thought I was keeping up with my thoughts and feelings, but mental illness fed me anxiety, fear, and paranoia until I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore. It started with my ex moving into my building and my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) soaring to new…