- Advocacy, Anxiety, Cognitive Symptoms, Depression, Medication, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A year in my life with mental illness – 2020
2020 came at us with teeth. But as we rapidly approach the end of the year, which is also my 30th birthday, I’m beginning to reflect on this past year. For the United States and the world as a whole, it’s been a tumultuous year full of some high points, but many lows. Personally, there have been some bold highlights, but also deep lows. My mental health is always something of a struggle, but I was unprepared for what this year would bring. Things don’t always work out like you expect. This year started with a job change that I thought was going to be perfect. And while there have…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Medication, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why I share my story and how you can share your story too
The very first time I shared my story at a Crisis Intervention Training (CIT), a man waited quite a while to talk to me after we were done. The rest of the class had returned from their brief break to finish out the end of the last day of the training. He told me that his sister had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But he said he and his family didn’t really get it because she seemed fine. Now, he said, he understood. He told me he was going to go home and call his sister. Moments like these encapsulate why I share my story. By speaking to those with…
- Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Do you get used to having a mental illness?
“I still get nightmares. In fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.” – Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves Do you ever get used to having a mental illness? For some, mental illness can be treated and resolved. For others, it comes and goes. And for the rest of us, it’s life long and it’s just a matter of does it get worse, better, or remain the same. The course is determined by numerous factors like genes, trauma, and whether or not treatment works. The outcome is as unique and individual as we…
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How I Self-Medicated Without Drugs and Alcohol
I was once asked if I self-medicated after the onset of my mental illness. The answer? Yes, but not with drugs or alcohol. It wasn’t my clarity or control over my mind that bothered me the most when schizoaffective disorder hit me like a bus. I wasn’t ready to deal with those yet. What I mourned the most was the loss of the ease of academics, the ability to eat anything but stay skinny, and some level of innate athletic ability – the things that others could see. I felt robbed. It felt like I was worth less without those things. And since then, they’ve held roles as both ways…
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Living with the Pieces of My Shattered Mind
The shadows felt alive. Dark and sharply defined, I could feel them breathe as we walked our dog in the dark evening. The shadows were nonthreatening, but the longer this internal war goes on, the more my world seems to come alive. It began with voices in the distance – a scream, whispers, conversation far off in the distance, always too far to be heard clearly. We turned them up and down in therapy, inspecting from all angles. But the only thing that came of our initial investigation was that I felt that their conversation had something to do with me. At some point in my past, my mind fractured…
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Depression: silently coming apart at the seams
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In high school, I reinvented myself. In junior high I hid my extreme shyness and inner turmoil behind an obsession with horses. But as I transitioned from junior high to high school, I decided that I didn’t want to be “that weird girl” anymore. I had been involved in theater since I was 12 and simply utilized what I had learned. I wasn’t confident, but I could fake it. I’ve always been timid, but I had wanted to be a leader. And I wasn’t happy, but I could pretend I was. The result was a new identity – a fearless leader, alternative…
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My Experience with Mental Illness in the Workplace
In college, I interviewed for a position in the lab of a professor at my university. I eagerly explained that part of why I was interested in his work and the role was because of my personal experience with schizoaffective disorder. He gently advised me that my diagnosis was something I should keep closer to my chest in job interviews. At the time, I was almost offended. I’m out here trying to break stigma. How can I do that if I’m not open about it? But, over the years, I’ve come to understand why he said that. At this point in my life, I’ve been through several jobs in some…
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Why we can’t forget about people with schizophrenia
It’s exciting to see so many organizations and individuals coming out to support and shed light upon mental illness. Brave people are standing up and sharing their stories, something that can be very frightening to do. The fight against stigma is gaining support daily. But in our efforts to dispel the myths and stereotypes around mental illness, there are still diseases that are often overlooked or treated differently. When it comes to advocacy, we can’t forget diseases like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. The fear of the word Even within the mental health community, there is a great deal of stigma around disorders involving symptoms of psychosis like schizophrenia. The words…
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Schizoaffective disorder – Would you take it all back if you could?
At this point, I can’t imagine what life would be like without schizoaffective disorder. What is it like to not take medication? How does it feel to have your thoughts mostly organized? What does it feel like to live without cognitive impairment? And what is life like when you’re struggles aren’t projected as something you experience that no one else perceives? Would my life be better without this disease? Despite my ability to function highly, schizoaffective disorder has caused my life to deviate far away from what most others experience. But how has it really impacted me? It’s been my downfall and silent disaster. It’s caused me agony, left me…
- A Day in the Life, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A Day in My Life with Schizoaffective disorder – Moving Day
It’s moving day – well, day 2. We spent the night in our new apartment. It’s still skeletal when it comes to furnishings. Bags and boxes litter the rooms, stacked on the furniture and the floor. Despite all of that, I already feel at home. I lean towards the mirror as I put on my makeup. It might seem strange to some that I would wear makeup when I’ll be spending my day lifting and carting around boxes, but, for me, makeup is a form of self-care. I don’t think I look awful without it, but I feel more secure when I’ve spent time taking care of myself. It’s not…