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Alone With Schizoaffective Disorder – My Fears, Experiences, and How I Cope
As I closed the door, I could feel the flutter in my stomach. The timer has started. I am alone. With my cat and my dog, I guess I’m not entirely alone, but it’s not the same as having a person with me. There’s frustration – though this month will find me alone more often than not, it’s just a few days at a time. I’ve lived alone for as much as two years at a time. Yet, despite my frustration and against reason, there is a part of me that is afraid. It’s not a fear of others, but rather, a fear of myself. Being alone is one thing,…
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5 Of The Best Things Anyone Has Ever Done For Me And My Schizoaffective Disorder
It’s normal to feel lost when it comes to how to help someone with schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia. Even if you’re the person living with it, you may not always know what to ask for or even how to ask. But that’s okay. Unless you’ve been through this before, there’s no reason you would know what to do. And, while those of us living with psychosis may have some of the same or similar symptoms, these illnesses are highly personal and what works for one person may not work for another. But to help you come up with things that will help you or your loved one, in no particular…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
The Let Down – A dangerous place for mental illness
At the end of a stressful event or series of events, whether good or bad, comes the let down. I’m the type of person who will put my head down and try (not always successfully) to power through a situation. I give it my all, draining myself of energy, emotion, and strength. But once I’ve given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul, I feel like I have nothing left. The emptiness aches so much that it welcomes all of the thoughts and feelings I fight to keep at bay. The let down is a dangerous place for me. When there is nothing left of a situation to push…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
A New Home – Real Estate, Mental Illness, and a Major Milestone
I’ve been having trouble writing lately. Well, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with a lot of things. My boyfriend and I are looking at buying a home. And even though it’s a good thing and we’re thrilled and grateful to have this opportunity, sometimes good things are still incredibly stressful. My schizoaffective disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety surrounding perfectionism, and newly diagnosed panic disorder are always a part of my daily life, but right now the stress amplifies all of them. My head feels busy – like a hive full of bees. Thoughts buzz and shift, but there is not enough room for…
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The Right to Feel – How I Stopped Blaming Myself for My Mental Illness
I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to be as broken as I am. I grew up with a loving family. We weren’t wealthy, but I never wanted for necessities. Growing up, the largest trauma I thought I faced was my parents’ amicable divorce. My mom moved several times, remarried, and my brother and I had to change elementary schools, but I actually preferred the new school. I can’t look back and spot significant hardship until high school. Lately, I argue with my psychiatrist – that others have had it worse. That I don’t have a right to feel this emotional turmoil. Yes, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
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Why My Recovery from Symptoms of Mental Illness Scares Me
Recovery from mental illness is complicated. Figuring out what recovery will realistically look like is complicated. The actual process of recovery is complicated. And figuring out how you feel about your recovery can be more complicated than others may think. For me, recovery is a lifelong process. Due to the nature of my illnesses, some, if not all, will be with me my entire life. What I’m chasing is stability. And right now, I’m fighting to break free from severe symptoms. It might sound a little ridiculous, but, at this stage, my recovery is full of mixed emotions. I’m excited, but also terrified. In the beginning, things looked bleak. Every…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Our Relationship – Navigating Life Together With My Mental Illnesses
I’ll be honest, I’m difficult to live with. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has me hyper schedule and detail-oriented. My anxiety makes me clingy at times. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) turns a relationship into a mine field of intrusive memories. And schizoaffective disorder is always throwing out curveballs like depression and hallucinations out of nowhere. But despite all of my symptoms and the issues that go along with them, my boyfriend, James, has stuck around for four years. Honestly, at one point, I wasn’t sure anyone ever would. With my colorful cocktail of disorders, I know my actions and behaviors can be difficult to understand. James and I knew each other…
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The Pressure of Perceived Expectations – Stories from Recovery
Can you feel it? That crushing weight that moves so slowly, pressing you down against the ground, until it’s hard to breathe. Pressure is often the enemy of mental health, and it can come from anywhere – yourself, family, employers, teachers, and even people who aren’t intentionally putting pressure on you. My mind manufactures pressure dressed up in an endless number of ways. Expectations begin like icicles. It starts as just a drip. In high school, people expected me to do well simply because that was my pattern. Academics and athletics came easily, but I quickly began to feel as though it were my job to excel. But when the…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Mental Illness Stole my Identity – Stories from Recovery
I never thought that I tied my identity to my mental illnesses. I’m more than schizoaffective disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is just something I live with. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) doesn’t define me. And depression and anxiety are a battle, not my identity. I convinced myself that I am my own true self. But after 13 years of therapy, I’m realizing that I have no idea who I am at all. And it’s nearly ground my recovery to a halt. I preached that I am not my illnesses. I am a person, not a diagnosis. But as we dig into the deepest darkest parts of my mind, I’m realizing that…