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The Right to Feel – How I Stopped Blaming Myself for My Mental Illness
I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to be as broken as I am. I grew up with a loving family. We weren’t wealthy, but I never wanted for necessities. Growing up, the largest trauma I thought I faced was my parents’ amicable divorce. My mom moved several times, remarried, and my brother and I had to change elementary schools, but I actually preferred the new school. I can’t look back and spot significant hardship until high school. Lately, I argue with my psychiatrist – that others have had it worse. That I don’t have a right to feel this emotional turmoil. Yes, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…
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Why My Recovery from Symptoms of Mental Illness Scares Me
Recovery from mental illness is complicated. Figuring out what recovery will realistically look like is complicated. The actual process of recovery is complicated. And figuring out how you feel about your recovery can be more complicated than others may think. For me, recovery is a lifelong process. Due to the nature of my illnesses, some, if not all, will be with me my entire life. What I’m chasing is stability. And right now, I’m fighting to break free from severe symptoms. It might sound a little ridiculous, but, at this stage, my recovery is full of mixed emotions. I’m excited, but also terrified. In the beginning, things looked bleak. Every…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Our Relationship – Navigating Life Together With My Mental Illnesses
I’ll be honest, I’m difficult to live with. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has me hyper schedule and detail-oriented. My anxiety makes me clingy at times. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) turns a relationship into a mine field of intrusive memories. And schizoaffective disorder is always throwing out curveballs like depression and hallucinations out of nowhere. But despite all of my symptoms and the issues that go along with them, my boyfriend, James, has stuck around for four years. Honestly, at one point, I wasn’t sure anyone ever would. With my colorful cocktail of disorders, I know my actions and behaviors can be difficult to understand. James and I knew each other…
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The Pressure of Perceived Expectations – Stories from Recovery
Can you feel it? That crushing weight that moves so slowly, pressing you down against the ground, until it’s hard to breathe. Pressure is often the enemy of mental health, and it can come from anywhere – yourself, family, employers, teachers, and even people who aren’t intentionally putting pressure on you. My mind manufactures pressure dressed up in an endless number of ways. Expectations begin like icicles. It starts as just a drip. In high school, people expected me to do well simply because that was my pattern. Academics and athletics came easily, but I quickly began to feel as though it were my job to excel. But when the…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Mental Illness Stole my Identity – Stories from Recovery
I never thought that I tied my identity to my mental illnesses. I’m more than schizoaffective disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is just something I live with. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) doesn’t define me. And depression and anxiety are a battle, not my identity. I convinced myself that I am my own true self. But after 13 years of therapy, I’m realizing that I have no idea who I am at all. And it’s nearly ground my recovery to a halt. I preached that I am not my illnesses. I am a person, not a diagnosis. But as we dig into the deepest darkest parts of my mind, I’m realizing that…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why Mental Health Education Needs to Begin Before a Career
When I started speaking publicly about schizoaffective disorder in college, it was an education on, “look what people like me can achieve despite all of this” Now, when I speak for classes and community presentations, it’s, “look what it’s really like to live with this” And when I speak for law enforcement and correctional officers, it’s, “look at how I go through all of this, but I’m still just like you.” Same life story, different goal. I rewrote my talk again in anticipation of speaking to the Chicago Police Department for the second time. I began speaking publicly as a junior in college and was both terrified and excited at…
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Childhood Depression – Growing Up in a World of Grey
Trigger Warning: Discussion of dark thoughts, childhood suicidal ideation and intent, and self-harm Summer hung heavy in the air, but a light breeze ruffled my hair as I stood outside at my school and stared at the road. It wasn’t particularly busy, but the cars would fly by despite the school zone signs. At ten-years-old, I stood there thinking that, if I timed it right, I could walk out there and it would all be over. A friend came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and asked me a question. Her words went right past me as I whipped around. I looked at her with wide…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Help, Hypocrisy, and What it Took for Me To Ask
I shocked my psychiatrist recently. I have never seen her more surprised than when I asked, “do you think a third session every week would be helpful?” It took her a moment to process. “yes,” she said, “I think it would.” Today she explained her surprise. In the nearly 8 years she’s been working with me, I’ve done just about everything to avoid asking for help. And suddenly, I am determined to get it. Let me give you some background My childhood and teen years were spent trying to convince myself that my obsessive-compulsive disorder was quirkiness and that I was being overdramatic by thinking I was suffering from depression.…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Right Term – Sensitive, Supportive, and Entirely Personal
Trigger Warning: Talk of Rape/Sexual Assault and Suicide In our efforts to be respectful, caring, and politically correct, we sometimes miss our own biases creeping in, though in a different way. We forget that not everyone thinks the same way, whether you share diagnoses or experiences or not. And in the process, we may be hindering the recovery and growth of others. From organizations and media, we learn the “appropriate” terms and ways to talk to people. But have you ever stopped and wondered if that’s what the individuals want? Person-first vs. identity-first language I am a person with schizoaffective disorder. Advocacy told me that I am not a schizoaffective,…