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What I didn’t have to give up because of schizoaffective disorder
It’s all gone. That’s what I thought when I received my schizophrenia diagnosis, later updated to schizoaffective disorder. In my head, I watched everything I’d wanted and planned go up in flames. At first, I was resigned to it. But, over a year later, mental health advocacy caught my eye and I took up the chant that a diagnosis on the schizophrenia spectrum is not a death sentence. And, though I stand by that, I think mental health advocacy, at least when it comes to severe mental illness, misses some things. This illness isn’t my fault, but I still felt like, by having it, I had to give certain things…
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Let’s skip to the part of my life inside schizoaffective disorder
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Let’s skip to the part where we’re close friends – past the pleasantries and smiling faces. We’re in high school, sitting on the floor of my living room softly speaking about the realities of our lives. I would tell you about how I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. And that I felt safest with horses and my closest friends, but that neither had any power over my desire to self-harm or the way my thoughts wandered around the idea of taking my life, dragging toes, but always leaving the door open. Let’s skip to the part when things first turned. At…
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Another Year Ending – Reflections on Schizoaffective Disorder and 2021
At the end of the month we’ll hear shouts of “Happy New Year!” On that day, I’ll have another year on this earth officially under my belt. Another year older, another year wiser, another year of struggle and change behind me. Happy birthday to me, you survived. Sometimes I wonder how. This last year was another test (but really, aren’t they all?) Panic disorder had me swapping to the passenger seat of my own car. Schizoaffective disorder introduced me to new individuals and voices. And depression had me thinking of actions that I’ve managed to resist for roughly seven years. Don’t worry, I’ve kept up my streak, but it was…
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To my friend living with psychosis,
Hey, you – you transitioning out of that facility; you sitting at home; you still figuring out your next move; and you who feels like there’s no hope and no one understands. My friend, this letter is for you. My name is Katie, and though I may not have been through the exact same things you have, I get it. I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder since I was 17. I’ve taken handfuls of meds, done countless hours of therapy, and lost parts of my life to my disorder. And I’m here to tell you that there is hope for things to get better. Life might feel impossible right now.…
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Alone With Schizoaffective Disorder – My Fears, Experiences, and How I Cope
As I closed the door, I could feel the flutter in my stomach. The timer has started. I am alone. With my cat and my dog, I guess I’m not entirely alone, but it’s not the same as having a person with me. There’s frustration – though this month will find me alone more often than not, it’s just a few days at a time. I’ve lived alone for as much as two years at a time. Yet, despite my frustration and against reason, there is a part of me that is afraid. It’s not a fear of others, but rather, a fear of myself. Being alone is one thing,…
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How My Brain Works After Schizoaffective Disorder
At 17, I was a problem solver. I was an academic thinker who thrived on logic puzzles and complex literature. Creativity was a second language – drawing, acting, photography, and stream-of-consciousness free writes wrapped up in metaphors. Whether or not I was any good at them didn’t matter; the ideas and motivation just flowed naturally. Outside of undiagnosed depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), my brain was efficient and extremely sharp. Each of my mental illnesses has had its impact on my mental functioning, but with the onset of schizoaffective disorder, things took a sharp turn. Though my passions and other areas of interest remain the same, my brain works differently…
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Omi Strong – Loss, Support, and Schizoaffective Disorder
I keep seeing cats out of the corner of my eye. I enter a room and there’s a grey striped cat on the lowest stair. As I bring a box into the kitchen, a long haired feline awaits around the corner. They don’t stay long, but they’ve appeared four times in the last three hours. They’ve been here since shortly after I heard the news about Omi. Let’s back up. This morning, I received a call from my cousin. He asked if I had heard and I instantly knew what he was going to say. Our grandmother, who we call Omi, passed away peacefully early this morning. It wasn’t unexpected…
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What Do My Hallucinations From Schizoaffective Disorder Feel Like?
After 13 years of living with schizoaffective disorder, hallucinations are a somewhat normal part of my life. They are neither constant nor always terrifying, but they do occur even with my treatment regimen. Everyone’s experiences are different, but here’s a look into what my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations are like. Do you know when you’re hallucinating? This is called insight, but it’s not universal to all with psychosis, and it also may come and go. For me, sometimes it’s easy to brush a hallucination off as just a symptom. But at other times there’s a tidal wave-like rush of emotions and my fight or flight instinct has me ready…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
The Let Down – A dangerous place for mental illness
At the end of a stressful event or series of events, whether good or bad, comes the let down. I’m the type of person who will put my head down and try (not always successfully) to power through a situation. I give it my all, draining myself of energy, emotion, and strength. But once I’ve given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul, I feel like I have nothing left. The emptiness aches so much that it welcomes all of the thoughts and feelings I fight to keep at bay. The let down is a dangerous place for me. When there is nothing left of a situation to push…
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The Ghosts – An Inside Look at One of My Hallucinations
I call them the ghosts. They aren’t really spirits, but I can only catch a glimpse of them before they’re gone. Dressed in soft-looking shirts in shades of white and ivory, they carry out everyday tasks. Their presence is neutral – neither threatening nor overly hopeful. Calm and content, they go about their business with only a passing glance thrown my way. I know they are not real, but I feel like I am seeing them for a reason. And I am dying to know what that is. After seeing the third one, I began to notice the pattern. She stood indoors near the side door of our apartment building.…