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When Words Escape Me – Schizoaffective Disorder And Written Communication
TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts If you knew me in high school, you would probably have seen me scribbling in a journal or adding another freewrite filled with metaphors to my binder. My computer is full of short notes, poems, essays, and stories. But at a certain point, they stop. The scrawled pages of my journal go blank. The files on my computer run out. With its onset, schizoaffective disorder stole the words from my mind. Words were more than communication or a hobby for me. Words were how I sorted out my thoughts and emotions and how I figured out who I was and who I wanted to be.…
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Dear Schizoaffective Disorder – Letters to My Illness
Dear schizoaffective disorder, You are the worst roommate I have ever had. You took up residency in my brain, but refuse to pay rent. I know there’s no evicting you. And I know you’ll probably never play by my rules, but we need to find a way to live together. Dear schizoaffective disorder, You’re a bully. You lie in wait until you see my edges fraying. Then you come at me, claws out. There is no valor in preying on the weak. And I can barely imagine the suffering of the people without effective treatment on whom you prey. Sometimes I fight back. But sometimes I don’t have the energy…
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How My Brain Works After Schizoaffective Disorder
At 17, I was a problem solver. I was an academic thinker who thrived on logic puzzles and complex literature. Creativity was a second language – drawing, acting, photography, and stream-of-consciousness free writes wrapped up in metaphors. Whether or not I was any good at them didn’t matter; the ideas and motivation just flowed naturally. Outside of undiagnosed depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), my brain was efficient and extremely sharp. Each of my mental illnesses has had its impact on my mental functioning, but with the onset of schizoaffective disorder, things took a sharp turn. Though my passions and other areas of interest remain the same, my brain works differently…
- Advocacy, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Why Mental Health Education Needs to Begin Before a Career
When I started speaking publicly about schizoaffective disorder in college, it was an education on, “look what people like me can achieve despite all of this” Now, when I speak for classes and community presentations, it’s, “look what it’s really like to live with this” And when I speak for law enforcement and correctional officers, it’s, “look at how I go through all of this, but I’m still just like you.” Same life story, different goal. I rewrote my talk again in anticipation of speaking to the Chicago Police Department for the second time. I began speaking publicly as a junior in college and was both terrified and excited at…
- Advocacy, Disorganized symptoms, Hallucinations, Medication, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
On Speaking Up About Symptoms
We were still trying to get my medication right when it happened. Home alone, getting ready for the day, I heard a man snicker at me from the back corner of my bedroom. A chill ran through me like an electric shock. My first thought – No. No, this can’t be happening. Fear caught me in it’s grasp. I needed this to go away so I could go back to my normal life. Motivated by a mixture of fear, denial, and trust, I saw speaking up as my only way out. I don’t remember how I told my doctor about my first hallucination. It might have been in a voicemail…
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Why we can’t forget about people with schizophrenia
It’s exciting to see so many organizations and individuals coming out to support and shed light upon mental illness. Brave people are standing up and sharing their stories, something that can be very frightening to do. The fight against stigma is gaining support daily. But in our efforts to dispel the myths and stereotypes around mental illness, there are still diseases that are often overlooked or treated differently. When it comes to advocacy, we can’t forget diseases like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. The fear of the word Even within the mental health community, there is a great deal of stigma around disorders involving symptoms of psychosis like schizophrenia. The words…
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The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy. The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me. While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of…
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Tangled Emotions
Mental illness is cruel. It can take your ability to reason right out of your grasp. It can reach into your head and twist your thoughts until they’re so tangled up you don’t know what’s happening. Mental illness can steal your hope, push every button you have, and fill your head with so many different emotions that you don’t know what you’re feeling. I thought I was keeping up with my thoughts and feelings, but mental illness fed me anxiety, fear, and paranoia until I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore. It started with my ex moving into my building and my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) soaring to new…