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A letter to myself on the day of my diagnosis
8/5/2020 I know your mind is spinning right now. It’s August 5, 2008 and the words, “it’s looking to be schizophrenia,” are turning over and over in your head. You won’t ever forget the tone in her voice when she said it or her red nails. This day feels like the end of everything you’ve ever known, but it’s actually just the beginning of something entirely new. Your diagnosis will ultimately be updated to schizoaffective disorder, and you will struggle at first – with understanding your disorder, with the symptoms, the medication, and also the constant anxiety of being found out. But contrary to what you believe, those close to you will…
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A Day in My Life With Schizoaffective Disorder – When Symptoms Flare
Mental illnesses affect everyone differently. When I experience symptoms, to outsiders it may look like nothing is wrong. Here’s a glimpse behind the curtain of what a recent flare up was like for me. I pushed my post-traumatic stress disorder yesterday. I went to a place that I usually avoid. I’m proud of myself for that, but I’m paying a price. I had flashbacks that evening, and symptoms of psychosis crept in, the tide rising on me today. I take my time getting ready this morning. In general, when I’m stressed or anxious, I feel better if I’ve put effort into my appearance; it’s a form of self-care for me.…
- Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder, Cognitive Symptoms, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 4) – cognitive issues
In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I found myself sitting at my desk in AP Calculus staring at the result of my test. D. How did this happen? I studied harder. C-. I broke out the flash cards, had friends help me study, but I could not do it. It felt like it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t reliably remember the formulas. For someone who was used to straight A’s, this was like a blow to the gut. No one had told me that schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder came with cognitive deficits. Before then, academics had always come easily to me. At the time…
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Suppressed Feelings and Psychosis
My doctor once told me that I experience my feelings visually. By this, she meant the visual hallucinations I was experiencing at the time were manifestations of the feelings that I was either suppressing or struggling to resolve. But it’s not just visual hallucinations. For several weeks I’ve been experiencing recurring auditory hallucinations. During therapy my doctor again pointed out that these hallucinations are my feelings come to life. It’s not always obvious what they mean though. And there are some for which I have no explanation. Or maybe there’s an explanation and I just have yet to find it. There are others with psychosis who use the meanings behind…
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The Importance of Hope in Recovery
Receiving a mental health diagnosis isn’t the end of your life, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. But it may be daunting or terrifying. When I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I had no idea what my future would look like. Would I go to college? Would I have a career? Or would I live out my days in my parents’ home or a residential facility, unable to care for myself? I honestly didn’t know, and I’m not sure anyone else did either. While my mind went spinning into denial, fear, and acceptance that life as I knew it was over, a part of me clung to hope…
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Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder – How they’re alike, how they’re different, and what it felt like to get each diagnosis
During my mental health journey, I originally received a schizophrenia diagnosis It sounds strange, but I was a little excited when I received the schizophrenia diagnosis. Not because I wanted to have schizophrenia, but because now I had a reason for why these things were happening to me. I had documented treatment methods. And it was something I could research and learn more about. That was something that was very important for me. Possessing knowledge about it made me feel like I had more control at a time when my world was spinning out of control. The diagnosis also crushed me. At that point, all I really knew was the…
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When All You Can Do Is Try
Receiving a diagnosis of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder is life changing. It can turn your entire world upside down. I would love to tell you that I’ve always handled my diagnosis and living with schizoaffective disorder with dignity and grace, but that’s just not the case. Despite my ability to articulate what I’ve been through, I don’t have myself entirely together all the time. I would like to believe that I do, but I don’t. I’ve been bitter, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been in denial. It’s feelings not unlike that which some people with diagnoses of other chronic illnesses or terminal illnesses go through. I used to try to…
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The Trauma of Experiencing Mental Illness
Trauma is often a trigger for mental illness, but experiences had due to mental illness can also be traumatic themselves. I’ve had near death or serious injury experiences. I’ve been threatened, manipulated, and emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. I’m a rape survivor with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While my PTSD is triggered by things that remind me of my traumas, I’ve also discovered that I have a similar response to fears about experiencing symptoms and actions related to my schizoaffective disorder. For much of my life, I have battled depression At certain points in time, beginning at a very early age, I would think about suicide. Sometimes it was just…
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Check back next week for a new post
During these times of struggle on the road to change, I don’t want to detract from the voices of those at the heart of the fray. Because of that, I will not be putting up a new post this week. Instead, I implore you to look at the things going on in the world with an open mind, much like how you read my posts with an open mind and the desire to learn more and better understand what others are going through. I encourage you to listen openly, challenge your biases, and choose where you stand on your own.
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UPDATED: Q&A with Katie! Send me your questions by June 26th!
Got questions about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder? Send them to me on social media or by emailing katie@katiesanford.net and on Saturday, June 27th I will compile them into an anonymous list and answer them in a post right here at katiesanford.net! This is your chance to ask all the questions you never had a chance to ask or have been too afraid to ask! Send questions in an email, or through social media by June 26th Email: katie@katiesanford.net Twitter: @NLTO_Blog Instagram: @NotLikeTheOthers_Blog Facebook: @NotLikeTheOthersBlog