My Experience with Mental Illness in the Workplace

In college, I interviewed for a position in the lab of a professor at my university. I eagerly explained that part of why I was interested in his work and the role was because of my personal experience with schizoaffective disorder. He gently advised me that my diagnosis was something I should keep closer to my chest in job interviews. At the time, I was almost offended. I’m out here trying to break stigma. How can I do that if I’m not open about it? But, over the years, I’ve come to understand why he said that.

At this point in my life, I’ve been through several jobs in some very different career paths from psychological research to retail, bartending, finance, and now law. I’ve held positions in management, customer service, administrative roles, and data collection and processing. Throughout this time, I’ve run into issues and important decisions relating to my mental illness. But each of these concerns has played out differently in my various roles.

Disclosure isn’t as simple as you may think.

My standards for disclosure differ between my illnesses. I’m very comfortable with talking about depression and anxiety at work. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is next in the lineup. I’ve never faced pushback from anyone, but it can lead to triggering questions from others. Currently, I also receive accommodations for it like keeping the office doors locked when I’m alone. Disclosing that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) doesn’t bother me, but I sometimes find myself needing to explain why I have OCD, but don’t fit the stereotype.

Then there’s schizoaffective disorder.

I would love to think that the world is at a place where I can be open about my schizoaffective disorder in all situations, but I’m just not sure we’re there yet. While there are protections in place for people with disabilities, including mental health disorders, I still don’t feel safe from discrimination. I know we are breaking down the stigma more and more every day, but I remain cautious in the workplace. I cannot afford to lose my source of income. There is actually a fair chance that my current and past employers knew about my disorder prior to hiring me. It doesn’t take much googling to find interviews or posts I’ve done. But nonetheless, my disclosure of schizoaffective disorder is still on a need to know basis.

As I find my footing in a new position and make friends, I begin to determine who I can trust to keep a secret and who won’t judge me. In serving and bartending, the risk of discrimination was pretty low, so I told several coworkers. In retail management and finance, it took me quite a while to feel safe talking about it. Even then, I only told one person at each job. When I was a research assistant, everyone knew, but it was a very unique situation. The diagnosis held no stigma because we studied schizophrenia and my employers and coworkers were empathetic and unfazed by the idea of someone with schizophrenia working alongside them. My current employers seem very empathetic, but I haven’t been confident enough to bring it up yet.

This is not to say that schizoaffective disorder is the only one of my mental illnesses that has impacted my performance at work.

My anxiety has held me back and sent me spinning in each job that I’ve had. In research, it took a very long time for me to be comfortable running eye tracking trials on my own because I was so concerned with making a mistake. During my time in retail management and bartending and serving, my depression constantly made me feel like I was doing a horrible job and no one liked me. In both finance and law, my OCD mandated that I recheck things numerous times even if I knew I had it right the first time. And my PTSD has been triggered by many a well-meaning coworker. When I began my current position, I made a point to warn my coworkers about my startle response, who, thankfully, immediately brain stormed ways to avoid triggering me.

Medication may not seem like it would negatively impact work, but the side effects sure can.

With several medications I’ve taken, drowsiness in the morning has been a significant issue. During my time in retail management, my commute was over an hour and almost entirely highway diving. Similarly, for the first two years that I worked in finance, my drive was between 30 and 45 minutes. While that may not seem that bad, I was experiencing extreme drowsiness regularly. Unfortunately, going to bed earlier and downing three cups of coffee in the morning weren’t always helpful. On some occasions, I would pull into a parking lot to get out and walk circles around my car in an effort to wake myself up.

I just had my annual review and I feel like I let everyone down.

I thought I was perfect for this legal assistant position, but I wasn’t anticipating the decrease in cognitive functioning that came with my current high stress level and symptoms. While my review wasn’t horrible, I need to make improvements. I have been experiencing hallucinations like hearing other people in the office when I’m alone, but they haven’t impacted my work. But with all of this stress, my thoughts have been scattered, stuck, and even overlapping. It makes things like following procedures and staying organized significantly more difficult.

So what’s the takeaway?

Whether it’s symptoms, side effects, or fear, mental illness has impacted all of the jobs that I’ve held. I’ve had to learn to work around symptoms and side effects. Sometimes receiving accommodations, sometimes being open, and sometimes hiding it. But everyone’s industries, employers, and roles are different. If someone feels comfortable being more open, that’s great. But there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to keep a diagnosis close to their chest until they feel comfortable sharing. And for those of you who don’t live with mental illness, you can help. Keep breaking down the stigma. Support your coworkers. Help create a workplace and a world where people feel safe being open about their mental health. And remember that whether or not someone is able to do a certain job or even work at all does not determine their value and importance.