What do I want when I need support?
What do I want when I’m not okay? How can you help me when I’m coming unraveled on the floor? What are you expected to do when my nerves are on fire and I can’t handle it? What are you supposed to say when I’m telling you I’m seeing something that you can’t see? How are you supposed to know what to do? Well, you aren’t. I spent years wanting someone to just know what I wanted and how to help me without me having to explain. But over the years I realized that I couldn’t expect others to know.
Why would you know?
Why would you know how to support someone experiencing psychotic symptoms when you may not fully understand what they’re experiencing? But even when it is a disorder you experience yourself, you still may not know what to do to help someone else. And that’s okay.
It’s happened to me. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety since I was very little, but there have been several times where someone with depression or anxiety reaches out to me and I don’t always know what to say or do. It feels awkward. I feel guilty, like I should know exactly what to do. There have been plenty of times where I’ve said the wrong thing or missed the point. So if you’ve ever felt that way, you’re not alone. But what are you supposed to do when someone you love needs support? Every person and every situation is different, but here’s what helps me.
What do I want when I am bombarded by memories from my trauma?
I’m flashing back. I’m filled with anxiety. Sometimes I relive the entire scenario – as if I’m no longer in my home, but right back in it. Unfortunately my trauma is related to an ex-boyfriend, so there are times where my boyfriend following me or trying to touch me is the last thing I want. We developed a system to help distinguish that even when I can’t voice what I need, which is a rare occurrence in this situation. If I go into the bedroom and close the door, I want to be alone. If the door is open, my boyfriend can come in and offer support.
When I’m falling deeper and deeper into anxiety, panic, or the tangled thoughts in my head, Contact and pressure sometimes help bring my feet back to the ground. It’s his hand on my back or holding me tight. My service dog is even trained to lean against me or lie on top of me. It grounds me. It might not make the memories and flashbacks stop, but it helps calm me and remind me where I am.
What do I want when reality is starting to feel like sand through my fingers?
What do I want when there are people watching me, when I’m hearing people talking in muffled tones everywhere I go? Nothing you say can make my hallucinations go away. I don’t want to hear that you don’t see it or hear it. I don’t want you to tell me that it’s not real. Knowing it isn’t real doesn’t make it stop. Knowing it isn’t real doesn’t even always make it less frightening in many cases. You don’t have to agree that you see or hear it if you don’t, but you can still be supportive.
What do I want in a similar situation when an event pulls the trigger on my post-traumatic stress disorder?
Questioning the threat can make me question my judgment. Instead of that soothing my symptoms, it lights a fuse. I can’t control the fear and anxiety. I’m left spinning in circles while the fuse burns higher, questioning the validity of the feelings that I can’t control. Whether the experience was caused by schizoaffective disorder or PTSD, trying to minimize the experience can send me reeling further. I want to hear, “what happened?” I want to hear, “are you okay?” Minimizing the incident won’t change the way it made my heart race or the panic that screamed in my veins.
Questions can be powerful.
When someone comes to me with overflowing emotions, I offer a choice – do you want to talk, or do you want a distraction? An ear to listen and a string of cat memes can be more powerful than you may think. Sometimes talking helps me work through my feelings, but sometimes that tangle is so complex or frightening that I want to redirect my attention to calm down and then come back and deal with it later. “What can I do to help you?” is another way to find out what someone needs, though people may not always have an answer.
I don’t expect you to know what I want.
When I’m coming apart at the seams and panic has me by the throat, I can’t always voice what I need, and I know this is true for others. But in those moments where I can’t coach you, ask how I’m feeling, ask how you can help. And if you find yourself at a loss, if you’re worried you’re saying the wrong thing or wondering if you’re doing things right, know that you are not alone in that feeling. But even if you don’t know what to do, I want your support. Show your support with hugs, with respecting my space, with distractions, with simple questions, with an ear to listen. Show your support by being there even when you don’t know what to do. Sometimes your presence is the most powerful thing of all.
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