Suppressed Feelings and Psychosis
My doctor once told me that I experience my feelings visually. By this, she meant the visual hallucinations I was experiencing at the time were manifestations of the feelings that I was either suppressing or struggling to resolve. But it’s not just visual hallucinations. For several weeks I’ve been experiencing recurring auditory hallucinations. During therapy my doctor again pointed out that these hallucinations are my feelings come to life.
It’s not always obvious what they mean though. And there are some for which I have no explanation. Or maybe there’s an explanation and I just have yet to find it. There are others with psychosis who use the meanings behind their hallucinations as tools to overcome and better understand their symptoms. Still others may not be able to identify the emotional source of their hallucinations, if there is one at all. But because my level of insight into these symptoms is so high, my doctor and I are working on resolving the issues and emotions involved to stop the symptoms without medication increases.
Lately, I haven’t been seeing people, but I have been hearing them.
I work in a small office and, at this point in time there are never more than a few of us there at a time. It happens more often when I’m in the office alone, but sometimes it happens even when others are there. I hear people’s footsteps. The sound of them walking in the short hallway between the lobby and our offices. I hear people in the lobby – the rustle of clothes, shifting feet, and jingling keys. The lobby is not visible from my desk, but I know these are hallucinations because our front doors are locked. I hear people walking past my desk. And I hear people walk up behind my cubicle and stop facing my back. I typically do not hear these sounds while looking at the area they come from, but that has happened at times.
What do these people want?
They want my attention. Everything in my life is stressful right now. My job, keeping up with my blog and social media, keeping up with my dog’s training and grooming, my boyfriend travelling for work, even making sure I go out on an evening walk is stressful. The people in the lobby are waiting for me impatiently. The person who stops behind my desk has more work to give me. And they always arrive at points where I’m trying to catch my breath. The people who walk past my desk feel like they’re looking down on me. This is probably because I kind of look down on myself for not being able to keep up.
My extreme level of perfectionism tells me that I’m not doing things well. It tells me that everyone thinks I’m not doing enough at work or doing it well enough. I know I shouldn’t, but I look down on myself for struggling with keeping up with social media. But the perfectionism makes creating a post a painstaking process. I look at what I’m doing and think others manage far more with ease. I’m wrestling with feeling overloaded and feeling like I’m not doing enough. And I’m only just now allowing myself to recognize how much stress I’m under. My physical health and mental health have been screaming that I’m under extensive stress for weeks. But my thought process has only just now caught up.
How does it feel to have these hallucinations?
They used to terrify me, but my doctor described it best – these have become casual hallucinations. With both the visual and auditory hallucinations, once I recognize the source, they become less intimidating. I no longer feel a spike of fear when I hear the footsteps, jingling keys, and rustle of clothing. On the occasions when they happen and I’m alone, I’ve actually told them to go away out loud, not that it has been particularly effective. As much as I hate to admit it, having these hallucinations has become a part of my reality.
When I am able to pinpoint the emotions at the source, it’s still not a quick fix.
Identifying the feelings and working through them are, to my dismay, not the same. While recognizing what’s causing the thoughts and feelings is the first step, I haven’t figured out how to address the issues yet. Maybe I need to change my priorities. Maybe I just need to go easy on myself and tell myself I’m doing the best that I can. While it may seem like this should be an easy fix, for me it’s not. But with every new sign of distress from my mind or body, I’m stepping back and taking a more objective look at my situation.
It’s kind of funny, but recognizing the extent of my stress has made me feel a bit more optimistic about my chances of overcoming these hallucinations. It’s not a resolution, but it is progress. While it is painfully slow, as with many aspects of recovery from mental illness, sometimes you just need to take it one baby step at a time.
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