A Stereotype, Schizophrenia, and How I Had It All Wrong
I used to believe it too. The stereotype of schizophrenia is so deeply ingrained in our brains. Even though I didn’t see people with schizophrenia as dangerous monsters, looking back, I still had it all wrong.
Growing up, I found schizophrenia fascinating.
I did some minor online research and perked up in psychology class in high school when the topic came up. I have an uncle with schizophrenia who is unable to live independently and I assumed that all others were in the same position. But, if I’m being honest with myself, I still didn’t see people with schizophrenia as regular people. I am mortified to admit that I saw them as a psychological phenomenon, something that was mysterious and a puzzle to be solved. My mind brimmed with questions, but I felt I had no one I could ask because I didn’t think there would be someone living with this disease who could answer them.
And then I got to see it from the inside.
When I was diagnosed, I was gripped with terror. I thought my life was doomed to be the version I had always believed was inevitable when it came to schizophrenia – that of the stereotype. I feared I would never finish high school, let alone go to college. Every dream felt out of the question, locked away behind bars and chains. A normal life was out of the question.
Over time, I learned how wrong I was.
Though there are many with schizophrenia who struggle to maintain or are unable to maintain independence, that route is not guaranteed. Nor does it always happen in the blink of an eye like I seemed to think it would. In some cases, schizophrenia slaps you across the face, but in many cases, it is a slow decline. Though the onset of mine was rapid, it took months to fully settle in my brain. In actuality, there were minute changes in my brain over the course of many years before I ever felt a thing.
I used to believe that living a full life was impossible with schizophrenia.
Every accomplishment that may have been somewhat average for others, like attending college, was a major milestone for me. It is only within the last few years that I felt I understood what I am capable of. That judgement is not always accurate, but, overall, I am much more realistic about my capabilities. And no, they are not always equivalent to those of others. But that is true for others in an endless array of other situations as well.
Contrary to what I thought while growing up, my life is much more than symptoms.
My symptoms are always with me, tucked back in my brain, ready to spring into action. But I do not experience them constantly as the stereotype made me think. I frequently wrestle with disorganized thoughts, but hallucinations, delusions, and negative symptoms are less frequent players in my daily life. For some with schizophrenia, they occur less frequently, and for others, significantly more so. Everyone’s experiences are unique.
We stretch across a spectrum, often overlapping.
I had always grouped everyone with schizophrenia into one big bucket. I had no concept of the wide spectrum of schizophrenia and its related disorders and the fact that levels of functioning could vary drastically. Nor did I really realize that each and every one of them were not some different kind of human. There was no ill will behind my previous thought pattern. It was an unconscious division in my head. And, though I saw things much clearer when it came to others with schizophrenia, it took time for me to remove that thought in regard to myself after my diagnosis.
I bought into it.
The diagnosis made me feel as though I was changed somehow. I felt tainted or reduced to something lesser. It took time for me to accept myself with this diagnosis. It took time for me to realize that my possibilities were not quite as limited as the stereotype made me think. But it took even longer for me to recognize that I had forgotten those whose capabilities were more impaired than mine.
Those who struggle the most are also not a separate type of human.
People who struggle greatly with schizophrenia are not exempt from the world where we shout about removing stereotypes. They are probably hurt by them more than those who are able to live a somewhat normal life. Yet we often leave those who must fight to keep their heads above water out of the discussion, forgotten on the back burner and slowly igniting from the flames. But they are no less human or important.
It’s okay if you believed in the stereotype, but you can change that.
I have learned that even those who work closely with people with schizophrenia or have it themselves sometimes fall into the trap of the stereotype. And it’s okay for anyone to fall into that trap as long as you are willing be open to other ideas. The media has crammed this idea of schizophrenia so deep down our throats that it can be difficult to dislodge. But we can do it. Read up on the topic, look at reputable websites like NAMI.org, and listen to those who speak from lived experience. Being misinformed may not be your fault, but you can, and should take steps to learn about the truths behind schizophrenia – the hope, the despair, and the spectrum on which we walk.
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One Comment
Christine
Hi Katie,
I read your blog on Microsoft Start with interest. As you did, I used to have a fascination with mental illness, including schizophrenia, and often wondered what that is like. Well…in 2006 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Like you, I was repeating a mantra to myself. For me, it went something like, “I am broken…” On the other hand, it did explain some things that made me wonder, “why?” Your comment about disorganized thoughts piqued my curiosity. I had been thinking about the nature of thoughts in neurotypical people as opposed to those who have mental illness. Not so much what we are thinking but the idea that our thoughts may wend a different path. For example, when you pet a cat, do you think about petting a cat, or do you think about thinking about something entirely else? Are you constantly and unremittingly thinking? So much pressure that you have to think out loud? Stuff like this. It boggles the mind, for I have forgotten what “normal” is….
Thank you so much for breaking the glass of the stereotype and for helping people to become aware of what living with mental illness is like, and is not like.
Sincerely,
Christine