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Childhood Depression – Growing Up in a World of Grey
Trigger Warning: Discussion of dark thoughts, childhood suicidal ideation and intent, and self-harm Summer hung heavy in the air, but a light breeze ruffled my hair as I stood outside at my school and stared at the road. It wasn’t particularly busy, but the cars would fly by despite the school zone signs. At ten-years-old, I stood there thinking that, if I timed it right, I could walk out there and it would all be over. A friend came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and asked me a question. Her words went right past me as I whipped around. I looked at her with wide…
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The Slow Motion Collision and The Silent Crescendo
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In mental health, crises are often silent. Sometimes someone pulls a trigger and you rocket upwards in a grand, but inaudible crescendo. But some emergencies happen in slow motion. They can creep up on you – no trigger pulled, just a blind march with the noise becoming ever louder until it’s all you can hear. Last August, my world turned upside down in one swift motion. Cymbals crashed when I found out that my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend moved into my apartment building. There was nothing slow about it. I went from feeling like I was getting my post-traumatic stress disorder…
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What facing my trauma really looks like
Trigger Warning: Mention of sexual assault/rape and suicidal ideation Don’t let him rule your life. Everyone who offered those words meant it in support. I told myself I could do it. I tried. But when the man who sexually assaulted you moves into your apartment building, it’s going to have an impact. The trauma became inescapable. It felt like an invasion of privacy. I felt safe in our location. It was a fair distance from where I last knew of that he lived as well as being away from where he and I lived together. For me this was a new city, new space, new outlook on life. The building…
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Depression: silently coming apart at the seams
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In high school, I reinvented myself. In junior high I hid my extreme shyness and inner turmoil behind an obsession with horses. But as I transitioned from junior high to high school, I decided that I didn’t want to be “that weird girl” anymore. I had been involved in theater since I was 12 and simply utilized what I had learned. I wasn’t confident, but I could fake it. I’ve always been timid, but I had wanted to be a leader. And I wasn’t happy, but I could pretend I was. The result was a new identity – a fearless leader, alternative…
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When my PTSD is Triggered
Trigger Warning: Mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and rape A little over a week ago, I found out that the person at the source of my trauma, my ex-boyfriend, now lives in my apartment building. I’d imagined countless ways we might come face to face, but this was a nightmare I never even considered. Here’s what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is like for me. What does my PTSD look like? It looks like me, smiling at people as I walk down the hall. Meanwhile, panic has me by the throat every time I walk into an area where I might run into him. It’s me answering the phone at…