• Recovery,  Schizoaffective Disorder,  Schizophrenia

    When You Can’t Trust Your Own Brain

    Muddled feelings circle my head as I stare blankly at the computer screen at work. It feels like everyone is upset with me. Like all I do is annoy people and get in the way. But is that just my depression? I read anger on the face of a coworker. But is that just my brain malfunctioning? What was that noise? Was it real? Am I just reading into things too much? I know that reality can slip through my fingers. Even in small ways and without excessive stress, my mind can create thoughts, sensations, and experiences that are not real. How can I trust that my thoughts and responses…

  • Recovery,  Schizoaffective Disorder,  Schizophrenia

    I’m Fine – The Reasons I Resisted Inpatient Treatment

    When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was in therapy and prescribed medication. I felt like it was my fault. But I was terrified of my suicidal thoughts and self harm, so I mechanically took my medication every night. As my symptoms grew and changed, my medications did as well. By the time I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was already on an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. I wasn’t sure if they would solve all my problems, but the mechanical motion continued, as did my heavy steps to the therapist’s door. Had I experienced hallucinations prior to starting this regimen, I don’t know if I would have…

  • Anxiety

    Social Anxiety – An Open Letter

    Dear friend, You are not alone in your social anxiety. I see your struggle behind that smile that fools so many. I see how badly you wish it would stop. Maybe you wonder what’s wrong with you – things that are easy for others might feel panic inducing to you. Social anxiety comes in countless sizes, shapes, and colors, but whatever version resides in your chest, I see you, I feel for you, and I am right there with you. As a child, I was painfully shy. Chances are, if I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t talk to you. Tears would crowd my eyes as I stood in a room…

  • Anxiety,  Depression,  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,  Perfectionism,  PTSD,  Recovery,  Schizoaffective Disorder,  Schizophrenia

    The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle

    Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…