- A Day in the Life, Hallucinations, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
A Day in My Life with Schizoaffective disorder – Moving Day
It’s moving day – well, day 2. We spent the night in our new apartment. It’s still skeletal when it comes to furnishings. Bags and boxes litter the rooms, stacked on the furniture and the floor. Despite all of that, I already feel at home. I lean towards the mirror as I put on my makeup. It might seem strange to some that I would wear makeup when I’ll be spending my day lifting and carting around boxes, but, for me, makeup is a form of self-care. I don’t think I look awful without it, but I feel more secure when I’ve spent time taking care of myself. It’s not…
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When your child is diagnosed with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder
It’s understandable if your emotions are on high and if fear is flooding through your veins. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are scary words. You might be wondering what this means for your child’s life. Will they be able to live independently? Will they be happy? As much as I wish that I could, I can’t answer those questions for you, but here’s what I know. Not only has your child’s life changed forever, but yours has too. Whether your child is young or an adult, it’s going to be a complicated road full of obstacles in treatment, education, work, and even just daily life, but no matter how bleak the…
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The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy. The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me. While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
What do I want when I need support?
What do I want when I’m not okay? How can you help me when I’m coming unraveled on the floor? What are you expected to do when my nerves are on fire and I can’t handle it? What are you supposed to say when I’m telling you I’m seeing something that you can’t see? How are you supposed to know what to do? Well, you aren’t. I spent years wanting someone to just know what I wanted and how to help me without me having to explain. But over the years I realized that I couldn’t expect others to know. Why would you know? Why would you know how to…
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What My Disorganized Thoughts Feel Like
I wake up every morning not knowing if my thoughts will stay in place today. When talking with others, my thoughts can become derailed and wander off to other related subjects. I can be perfectly aware of where the conversation is, but my mind takes me by the hand and leads me on paths that gently begin to deviate from the topic. In high school, my friends became accustomed to me piping up when the conversation headed my way, announcing, “a really weird train of thought led me to…” after making my remarks, we would retrace the steps from the original topic to my latest comment. It’s not that I’m…
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A Day in My Life With Schizoaffective Disorder – When Symptoms Flare
Mental illnesses affect everyone differently. When I experience symptoms, to outsiders it may look like nothing is wrong. Here’s a glimpse behind the curtain of what a recent flare up was like for me. I pushed my post-traumatic stress disorder yesterday. I went to a place that I usually avoid. I’m proud of myself for that, but I’m paying a price. I had flashbacks that evening, and symptoms of psychosis crept in, the tide rising on me today. I take my time getting ready this morning. In general, when I’m stressed or anxious, I feel better if I’ve put effort into my appearance; it’s a form of self-care for me.…
- Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder, Cognitive Symptoms, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 4) – cognitive issues
In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I found myself sitting at my desk in AP Calculus staring at the result of my test. D. How did this happen? I studied harder. C-. I broke out the flash cards, had friends help me study, but I could not do it. It felt like it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t reliably remember the formulas. For someone who was used to straight A’s, this was like a blow to the gut. No one had told me that schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder came with cognitive deficits. Before then, academics had always come easily to me. At the time…
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Suppressed Feelings and Psychosis
My doctor once told me that I experience my feelings visually. By this, she meant the visual hallucinations I was experiencing at the time were manifestations of the feelings that I was either suppressing or struggling to resolve. But it’s not just visual hallucinations. For several weeks I’ve been experiencing recurring auditory hallucinations. During therapy my doctor again pointed out that these hallucinations are my feelings come to life. It’s not always obvious what they mean though. And there are some for which I have no explanation. Or maybe there’s an explanation and I just have yet to find it. There are others with psychosis who use the meanings behind…
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The Importance of Hope in Recovery
Receiving a mental health diagnosis isn’t the end of your life, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. But it may be daunting or terrifying. When I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I had no idea what my future would look like. Would I go to college? Would I have a career? Or would I live out my days in my parents’ home or a residential facility, unable to care for myself? I honestly didn’t know, and I’m not sure anyone else did either. While my mind went spinning into denial, fear, and acceptance that life as I knew it was over, a part of me clung to hope…
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Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder – How they’re alike, how they’re different, and what it felt like to get each diagnosis
During my mental health journey, I originally received a schizophrenia diagnosis It sounds strange, but I was a little excited when I received the schizophrenia diagnosis. Not because I wanted to have schizophrenia, but because now I had a reason for why these things were happening to me. I had documented treatment methods. And it was something I could research and learn more about. That was something that was very important for me. Possessing knowledge about it made me feel like I had more control at a time when my world was spinning out of control. The diagnosis also crushed me. At that point, all I really knew was the…