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The Secret to My Success with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m often asked how I’ve done so well with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve graduated from a high level university, held down jobs, have never stopped taking my pills, and have never been hospitalized in the 12 years that I’ve been living with schizoaffective disorder. So how did I do it? What’s the secret to my success? Well, it’s a handful of different things, but not all of them were healthy. The day of my diagnosis, I told my mom that I would not let schizoaffective disorder define me. While I did, and still do, firmly believe that I am more than just my illness, this thought process contained a layer of…
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When my PTSD is Triggered
Trigger Warning: Mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and rape A little over a week ago, I found out that the person at the source of my trauma, my ex-boyfriend, now lives in my apartment building. I’d imagined countless ways we might come face to face, but this was a nightmare I never even considered. Here’s what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is like for me. What does my PTSD look like? It looks like me, smiling at people as I walk down the hall. Meanwhile, panic has me by the throat every time I walk into an area where I might run into him. It’s me answering the phone at…
- Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder, Cognitive Symptoms, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 4) – cognitive issues
In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I found myself sitting at my desk in AP Calculus staring at the result of my test. D. How did this happen? I studied harder. C-. I broke out the flash cards, had friends help me study, but I could not do it. It felt like it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t reliably remember the formulas. For someone who was used to straight A’s, this was like a blow to the gut. No one had told me that schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder came with cognitive deficits. Before then, academics had always come easily to me. At the time…
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Suppressed Feelings and Psychosis
My doctor once told me that I experience my feelings visually. By this, she meant the visual hallucinations I was experiencing at the time were manifestations of the feelings that I was either suppressing or struggling to resolve. But it’s not just visual hallucinations. For several weeks I’ve been experiencing recurring auditory hallucinations. During therapy my doctor again pointed out that these hallucinations are my feelings come to life. It’s not always obvious what they mean though. And there are some for which I have no explanation. Or maybe there’s an explanation and I just have yet to find it. There are others with psychosis who use the meanings behind…
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The Importance of Hope in Recovery
Receiving a mental health diagnosis isn’t the end of your life, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. But it may be daunting or terrifying. When I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I had no idea what my future would look like. Would I go to college? Would I have a career? Or would I live out my days in my parents’ home or a residential facility, unable to care for myself? I honestly didn’t know, and I’m not sure anyone else did either. While my mind went spinning into denial, fear, and acceptance that life as I knew it was over, a part of me clung to hope…
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When All You Can Do Is Try
Receiving a diagnosis of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder is life changing. It can turn your entire world upside down. I would love to tell you that I’ve always handled my diagnosis and living with schizoaffective disorder with dignity and grace, but that’s just not the case. Despite my ability to articulate what I’ve been through, I don’t have myself entirely together all the time. I would like to believe that I do, but I don’t. I’ve been bitter, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been in denial. It’s feelings not unlike that which some people with diagnoses of other chronic illnesses or terminal illnesses go through. I used to try to…
- Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder, Cognitive Symptoms, Disorganized symptoms, Hallucinations, Negative Symptoms, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 3) – symptoms
I didn’t know what to expect. Deep down I had suspected that it was schizophrenia, but getting confirmation from my doctor made it real. I was scared. None of the stories I knew about schizophrenia ended with someone being symptom-free. I sat in the car after my doctor’s appointment with my head spinning. Were the hallucinations going to get worse? Was I going to become delusional? Would I largely lose touch with reality? At that moment, I decided that that was not going to happen to me. It was more denial than anything else, but I had my mind set on it. I was not going to lose my life…
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Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 2) – Stigma
That’s me in the photo – multiple ear piercings, blue streaks in my bangs, looking confident. It was my high school graduation and I had done it. A year earlier, I would never have doubted that I would graduate, but a few weeks before I started my senior year, my world came crashing down around me when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I thought my life might be over. But mostly, I was afraid of what others would think and how they would treat me, and I knew my parents were afraid of the stigma I might face as well. Convinced that I was different I fully expected people…
- Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder, Medication, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Adapting to life with schizoaffective disorder (part 1) – Self-acceptance
“It’s looking to be schizophrenia.” My heart skipped a beat when my doctor said those words. Part of me felt calm because it confirmed what I had suspected, but in the car I came apart. I didn’t know any success stories of people who went on to live perfectly normal lives. All I knew were stereotypes and stories with poor outcomes. I swore to myself that that would not happen to me. The first year The first year of my diagnosis was a mixture of struggle and denial. I was highly motivated to take my medication because I knew it was key in reaching and maintaining stability. I hated the…
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Schizophrenia – Taking the power from the word
For a very long time, I lived in a cloud of shame and fear brought on by my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I made my parents promise not to share it with my extended family. For a bit, I even kept my diagnosis from my brother, who was away at college. By the end of the first year with my disorder, less than 20 people knew, including my parents and doctors. I was so afraid of the power of the word schizophrenia. Fighting the fear I was afraid that the word alone would make people see me in a different light. Could it wash away years of friendship? What did…