• Recovery,  Schizoaffective Disorder,  Schizophrenia

    When You Can’t Trust Your Own Brain

    Muddled feelings circle my head as I stare blankly at the computer screen at work. It feels like everyone is upset with me. Like all I do is annoy people and get in the way. But is that just my depression? I read anger on the face of a coworker. But is that just my brain malfunctioning? What was that noise? Was it real? Am I just reading into things too much? I know that reality can slip through my fingers. Even in small ways and without excessive stress, my mind can create thoughts, sensations, and experiences that are not real. How can I trust that my thoughts and responses…

  • Schizoaffective Disorder,  Schizophrenia

    Social Skills, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Accepting My Needs

    “Please.” I twist the word in my mind, stretching it, arcing it, and wringing out every drop of meaning. I never thought I would be learning social skills at 31. I turn “please” and the other words in that sentence of my coworker’s email over and over in my head, playing them in different tones of voice, picturing what it might look like in person. Would her face look like it does when I know she’s happy? And what if I can’t decide what feeling I think is behind it?  I can’t always peer inside your mind the way other people can. Though not due to lack of empathy, identifying…