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The Role of Emotional Dysregulation in My Life with Schizoaffective Disorder
My emotions don’t make sense to me sometimes. They sound foreign – instructions for how to act and respond that are written in code. They build and crash down on me like a tidal wave. And someitmes I can’t even identify what they are. They warp and bend and dance until they all look the same to me, and I don’t like what I see. Even happiness and excitement can become overwhelming and trigger negative feelings or even symptoms for me until I want to scream. This emotional dysregulation has played a key part in my life with schizoaffective disorder, and, looking back, it’s been around long before my diagnosis.…
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Social Skills, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Accepting My Needs
“Please.” I twist the word in my mind, stretching it, arcing it, and wringing out every drop of meaning. I never thought I would be learning social skills at 31. I turn “please” and the other words in that sentence of my coworker’s email over and over in my head, playing them in different tones of voice, picturing what it might look like in person. Would her face look like it does when I know she’s happy? And what if I can’t decide what feeling I think is behind it? I can’t always peer inside your mind the way other people can. Though not due to lack of empathy, identifying…
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Irrational and Unreasonable – Why You Don’t Have To Understand My Anxiety
My fate is resting in my hands. If I make the wrong choice, my entire life could fall apart. My nerves chatter with anxiety and it wraps itself around my throat. I can’t make this decision. It’s too important and I’m sure I’ll make the wrong choice. So I turn to my boyfriend and ask the question – “Which of these shirts should I wear today?” It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? It is. It’s irrational. It’s unreasonable. And I am fully aware of that. Logically, I know that the world will not explode if I wear the wrong shirt. Is there even a right or wrong shirt for a Saturday…
