Perfectionism
All things perfectionism and the impact it can have when it goes wrong
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Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) – more than just perfectionism
It was a yes and then a maybe and then a firm yes and I added obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) to my list of mental health issues. At first, it was a relief to know that my preoccupation with order, need to follow rules, and desperate pursuit of perfectionism were not just me overreacting, they are symptoms of a very real disorder. After that, I felt like a child having a tantrum, internally banging the ground screaming, “I don’t want it!” In time, I mostly came to terms with it and cautiously began sharing my new diagnosis. But my explanations, particularly regarding the perfectionism that is involved, were often dismissed…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
The Let Down – A dangerous place for mental illness
At the end of a stressful event or series of events, whether good or bad, comes the let down. I’m the type of person who will put my head down and try (not always successfully) to power through a situation. I give it my all, draining myself of energy, emotion, and strength. But once I’ve given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul, I feel like I have nothing left. The emptiness aches so much that it welcomes all of the thoughts and feelings I fight to keep at bay. The let down is a dangerous place for me. When there is nothing left of a situation to push…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder
A New Home – Real Estate, Mental Illness, and a Major Milestone
I’ve been having trouble writing lately. Well, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with a lot of things. My boyfriend and I are looking at buying a home. And even though it’s a good thing and we’re thrilled and grateful to have this opportunity, sometimes good things are still incredibly stressful. My schizoaffective disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety surrounding perfectionism, and newly diagnosed panic disorder are always a part of my daily life, but right now the stress amplifies all of them. My head feels busy – like a hive full of bees. Thoughts buzz and shift, but there is not enough room for…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
Our Relationship – Navigating Life Together With My Mental Illnesses
I’ll be honest, I’m difficult to live with. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has me hyper schedule and detail-oriented. My anxiety makes me clingy at times. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) turns a relationship into a mine field of intrusive memories. And schizoaffective disorder is always throwing out curveballs like depression and hallucinations out of nowhere. But despite all of my symptoms and the issues that go along with them, my boyfriend, James, has stuck around for four years. Honestly, at one point, I wasn’t sure anyone ever would. With my colorful cocktail of disorders, I know my actions and behaviors can be difficult to understand. James and I knew each other…
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The Pressure of Perceived Expectations – Stories from Recovery
Can you feel it? That crushing weight that moves so slowly, pressing you down against the ground, until it’s hard to breathe. Pressure is often the enemy of mental health, and it can come from anywhere – yourself, family, employers, teachers, and even people who aren’t intentionally putting pressure on you. My mind manufactures pressure dressed up in an endless number of ways. Expectations begin like icicles. It starts as just a drip. In high school, people expected me to do well simply because that was my pattern. Academics and athletics came easily, but I quickly began to feel as though it were my job to excel. But when the…
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The Slow Motion Collision and The Silent Crescendo
Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation In mental health, crises are often silent. Sometimes someone pulls a trigger and you rocket upwards in a grand, but inaudible crescendo. But some emergencies happen in slow motion. They can creep up on you – no trigger pulled, just a blind march with the noise becoming ever louder until it’s all you can hear. Last August, my world turned upside down in one swift motion. Cymbals crashed when I found out that my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-boyfriend moved into my apartment building. There was nothing slow about it. I went from feeling like I was getting my post-traumatic stress disorder…
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Irrational and Unreasonable – Why You Don’t Have To Understand My Anxiety
My fate is resting in my hands. If I make the wrong choice, my entire life could fall apart. My nerves chatter with anxiety and it wraps itself around my throat. I can’t make this decision. It’s too important and I’m sure I’ll make the wrong choice. So I turn to my boyfriend and ask the question – “Which of these shirts should I wear today?” It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? It is. It’s irrational. It’s unreasonable. And I am fully aware of that. Logically, I know that the world will not explode if I wear the wrong shirt. Is there even a right or wrong shirt for a Saturday…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
The Weight of Mental Illness – The Invisible Burden on a Lifelong Struggle
Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm From a young age, I began finding things along my path. I’m not sure which came first – depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but they clung to me. And over the years, they swelled and shrunk at varying rates, but I could not shake them altogether. Each in turn flourished, multiplying symptoms. It became too much to carry in my hands, out where people could see. I felt the need to keep them out of sight, and tucked them into a backpack. Through the highs and lows of my childhood, this weight remained settled heavily on my shoulders. In junior high I found myself so…
- Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism, PTSD, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia
An Invisible Disability – Understanding What You Can’t See
I feel like the world has this idea of what disabilities are supposed to look like. Yet, quite often, it doesn’t match what it’s really like. And having an invisible disability comes with it’s own cocktail of stigma and expectations. Personally, I often find myself examining my own disabilities through the eyes of others. But knowing that others don’t see my suffering has only served to hold me back. It’s taken me years to convince myself that whether or not I have a disability has nothing to do with what others see. What matters is how it feels and impacts your life. And while onlookers may never know the true…
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The Darker Side of Perfectionism
As I scroll social media on my phone, I see it all the time – “Love yourself!” “Self-care is not selfish!” Nobody’s Perfect!” To me, these messages are for others. Not because I’m against them in any way. Rather, it’s because I don’t feel capable of applying those things to myself. I want to love myself the way I am; I really do. And I create plans for better-self care, but can’t follow through. I don’t want to be perfect. But, according to my brain, I have no other option. I’m a perfectionist, but not the kind that strives for excellence and feels proud when they achieve it. No, the…