On opening up about a diagnosis
Opening up is easier said than done
There’s so much fear involved in opening up about a diagnosis or symptoms. It’s incredibly common for people to feel like their loved ones will abandon them or think poorly of them if they speak up about what’s happening. Fear is often joined by denial, and these feelings can be so strong that many people remain silent even as their conditions deteriorate to critical levels.
My struggle with speaking up
I have a very supportive family who always made it clear that I could tell them anything, but I struggled to tell them about the depression I’d been experiencing since I was a child. My depression had me convinced that what I was feeling wouldn’t be important to them and that they would look down on me. Because of this, I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that what I was feeling was not actually depression. I told myself I was fine, that I was being overdramatic, and that they would just be annoyed if I brought up.
I also had a strong group of friends with whom I spoke about hardship, stress, and emotions frequently. Yet once I was formally diagnosed with depression at 17, I was afraid to open up about it. Now it was real. I couldn’t keep telling myself I was fine. It felt like there was something wrong with me, and I was worried they would agree.
When I worked up the courage to tell them, their reaction was minimal. I quickly dissected this response and decided that it meant that they thought less of me. In actuality I think the response was minimal because they weren’t all that surprised. They knew I had been struggling and they knew I harmed myself sometimes, so it wasn’t exactly a groundbreaking revelation.
And then there was another
Shortly after that, I came to my friends with a new diagnosis: schizoaffective disorder. I was sure that they would abandon me and think I was some kind of freak. Even though I was terrified, I didn’t think I could handle the struggle I was up against without their support, So I had to try.
To my surprise, my hesitant announcement was met with overwhelming support. A huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. It was a relief to know that I didn’t have to hide it in front of them. Even though they couldn’t fully understand what I was going through, they were there for me no matter what.
It was just as difficult every time
It was an anxiety-packed discussion every time I told someone new. And every time I walked away shocked at the understanding and support I received. But while none of them abandoned me as I had feared, my low self-esteem made me feel like an outsider, so I distanced myself. Thankfully, my friends didn’t let me drift too far away.
In another instance, a friend’s response was actually that of relief that it wasn’t something worse. It made me feel like he didn’t see the importance of the situation or the pain that I was enduring. I pushed him away so forcefully that we lost contact for years.
Going public
It was tough to talk about it at first in college. I had no choice though – I was in a new state and I knew I couldn’t get by without the support of friends. I chose who to tell cautiously. The fear was there at first, but I began to realize that I felt better when people knew. Then I had the opportunity to speak publicly about it for the first time. It was a risk, but I took the gamble in the hopes of changing people’s view of schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia.
The immensely positive response astounded me. People weren’t afraid of me or looked down on me like I feared they might. Instead, they said hearing my story made them feel less alone and more empowered. Hearing that actually made me feel less alone and more empowered too. There were a few people who pulled away though. Even though it wasn’t anyone with whom I’d been close, it still hurt.
Sometimes it’s still hard
In all honesty, despite my crusade to break stigma, there are certain times where it’s still difficult for me to open up about my diagnosis. I sometimes worry that people’s view of me will change rather than their view of the diagnosis. Particularly people who knew me before the onset of my symptoms and people with whom I work.
On the other hand, the stress and anxiety that I feel when I hide my diagnoses can be just as bad. It feels like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not and the fear of being figured out haunts me. I feel safest when I feel like I’m in control of who knows my diagnosis.
But it’s worth it
It’s easy to encourage people to speak up, but opening up about a diagnosis or symptoms is significantly easier said than done. It’s hard to feel confident when revealing something so sensitive – it’s a moment of pure vulnerability. No one wants to be abandoned or persecuted by the ones they love. But I’ve learned that hiding a diagnosis can cause even more damage and emotional strife than watching someone walk away.
It’s crucial to let others know so that you can get the help and support you need. It can even make you feel safer to know that you have someone there for you. You don’t necessarily need to go public with your diagnosis, but mental health is easier to navigate with the support of others, even if it’s just a few people. You might be surprised by how many people there are who want to listen.
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