Recovery,  Schizoaffective Disorder

Schizoaffective disorder – Would you take it all back if you could?

Katie sits on her couch wearing a blue and white plaid shirt, wondering how life would be different if she didn't have schizoaffective disorder.

At this point, I can’t imagine what life would be like without schizoaffective disorder. What is it like to not take medication? How does it feel to have your thoughts mostly organized? What does it feel like to live without cognitive impairment? And what is life like when you’re struggles aren’t projected as something you experience that no one else perceives? Would my life be better without this disease?

Despite my ability to function highly, schizoaffective disorder has caused my life to deviate far away from what most others experience. But how has it really impacted me? It’s been my downfall and silent disaster. It’s caused me agony, left me feeling isolated, and tied up my mind with fear and shame. But there is always this question, “If you could take it back, would you?”

For me, there’s a difference between taking it back and making it stop.

To be honest, the idea of making it stop scares me a little bit. Schizoaffective disorder is not fun, but this is what I’m used to. Since 2008 this is all I’ve known. I’ve made progress in therapy because my symptoms jump at me like road signs telling me when things I’d like to ignore are affecting me. Would my progress keep this pace or move faster without that? Would my social anxiety lessen? Could my life take a different course?

If I could leave all my symptoms and medications behind, what would I gain?

I would gain time, for sure. No more doctor visits, scheduling my life around medications, and days where the symptoms leave me sitting on the sidelines of life. I would save a ridiculous amount of money. Psychiatrists are not cheap, and I spend well over a thousand dollars on medication annually, in some years, like 2020, significantly higher than that. Shedding the cognitive impairment would make me feel better about the idea of going for a graduate degree and would help me pick up new tasks at work much quicker. I might be more comfortable in social situations too, not worrying about people judging me or abandoning me for my disorder.

But what about the things that I would lose?

In addition to the gains, there would be losses if I were to be set free from schizoaffective disorder. Life would be less interesting without my symptoms. I’d be happy to leave many of them behind, but I would lose my long-time friend, the cat, who helped me through so many tough times, appearing to one of my senses when I needed hope. As odd as it may sound, I feel like life would be emptier if I gave up my symptoms. My life has facets that the lives of others don’t. I see, hear, and feel my feelings – not just the pain but also the healing and self-soothing. Life might be lonely without my hallucinations. It might be less dark, but life might not be as bright either.

What if I could take it all back? Go back to the summer of 2008 and erase every trace of schizoaffective disorder and live life without it?

Schizoaffective disorder has had an immense impact on the person I have become. At times it is a living nightmare, but it has shaped me, challenged me, and built up a strength I didn’t know I had. It’s made me a problem solver. I had to learn how to adapt my life in education, careers, and daily life so that I can keep pace with others. I learned how to unravel a symptom to find what’s at its core and see a deeper part of my mind. I’ve grown stronger overcoming each obstacle that it’s thrown my way, especially the ones where I had to claw my way over them tooth and nail. I may not have much confidence in myself in general, but I am very confident in my ability to clear whatever hurdles are in my path.

New doors have opened for me because of this disorder.

I was always interested in helping others prior to my illness, but schizoaffective disorder has given me purpose. It was fun at first, getting to know someone, dropping my diagnosis, and watching their whole world change. But after the first time I spoke publicly about schizoaffective disorder, my path in life shifted. In that moment I realized this awful thing could be used for good. I realized I could help others like me live a better, more understood life. My plan had been to go into the music industry and work in artist representation before my whole outlook changed. Would that have forced me to grow into a stronger, more open, and more empathetic person? Would it have my life be as fulfilling?

No, I would not take it back.

Would I make it stop now if I could? I’m honestly not sure. But I know I would not be the person I am today if I had lived life without schizoaffective disorder. Everyone’s experiences are different, so I know there are many out there who would answer this question differently, and I don’t blame them. But my experiences with schizoaffective disorder, however dark, have helped me grow and change in ways that I don’t think any other experiences could. It hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t always liked who I’ve been while living with this, but this particular nightmare has a silver lining.



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